1. New Year Newbies
These rare gym goers are an endangered species when summer arrives, but in the midst of winter when the New Year begins, you can spot them by their brand new fluorescent Nikes and shiny new yoga pants they got for Christmas. They enter the gym with a fresh optimism that this year, will be the year they go down that dress size and become the fit human being they aspire to be. They can be seen to approach the equipment and machines with a confused confidence, with the aim to appear a regular gym goer, yet can’t work out how to change the weights from 20kg to 5kg.
2. Make Up Girls
These girls are not hard to spot – merely look for a girl wearing a full face of slap that looks as if she’s about to go to Ocean, after pretending to break into a seductive sweat on the strenuous cross trainer. They can be further defined by a push up bra stuffed underneath a sports bra. These gym goers tend to have an ulterior motif for splashing out monthly; rather than purely to get fit, they are usually there to pick up gym buffs. Make up girls are well known to the male gym community, as they are renowned for “accidentally” dropping their hairband in front of the weights section. Forget tinder or match.com, this is a revolution in dating.
3. Gossip Girls
You are more likely to hear these girls before you see them. They tend to be found around the exercise bikes in either pairs or a group, gossiping about Make Up Girl staring at her arse while she lunges and New Year Newbie who can’t get the running machine to slow down, so intently that they cycle… to a stop. Mostly the only muscle they work out is their vocal chords. Why not just go to costa?
4. Fitness girls
These gym bunnies can be spotted by their personalised yoga mats, pink weight sets and worn down New Balances. With their hair slicked back in a top knot pony tail, they own the studio room with their regular routine of 100 star jumps, 50 crunches, 4 sets of high knees, followed by a cool down of Pilates. These girls mean business and are the envy of New Year Newbie, but receive dirty looks from Make Up Girl and the Gossip Girls who don’t understand why she is red and sweaty – how gross!
The crème de la crème of gym goers, these girls are not to be messed with. Upon entering the gym, to the shock of all the gym buffs, she heads straight for the weights section; showing up the twigs in wife beaters when she picks up a weight 3x heavier than the one they’re pathetically pumping. These girls could probably lift Make Up Girl on one arm while doing a press up with Gossip Girl nattering on her back. Get the protein shake on ice girls!
Edited by Harriet Dunlea