As a topic that many people avoid, and others grow uncomfortable discussing, seasonal depression is a reality for many people as seasons change and days shorten, giving way to long cold nights. This lack of sunshine aids in dampening our happiness, as we are more prone to stay inside and not want to get out of bed while other organisms would be resting, awaiting warmer days. Human beings are active year-round through our work and relationships with little to no break for us to be with ourselves to collect our bearings. While I am new to greet my mental health issues, I will admit I have struggled with depression to a greater extent than I have felt comfortable accepting. Due to the weather warming up, I would have thought that my happiness would have rebounded too, but I have not been able to overcome my sadness quite yet. Over the course of this semester I have faced several big changes including moving to a new state with little to no knowledge about what I would do when I got there or who I would befriend. Despite my best attempts to make the most fun out of a sad situation, I have found myself spending a great deal of my time fighting my urges to lay in the dark all day. While most anyone who meets me would agree that I am a bright and bubbly person, my new surroundings and the changing of the seasons has contributed to my second worst depressive season (so far).
Simple tasks such as making breakfast or completing a homework assignment become chores when you feel depressed, as if you are being held down by weights that tell you that you are unable to move them. Since I have moved to New Mexico I have had a difficult time accepting my new home, as I often find myself daydreaming about going home to be with my friends and family in Arizona. I have joined clubs and talked to people in some of my classes, but I feel that any connections I could try to make would not be worth the sadness I will feel when I want to leave. I think about almost nothing else but the idea of returning home, which leaves me feeling incredibly out of place and unfocused in my day to day routines. As the social butterfly I am I know I would be much happier if I tried to make friends, but I have not been feeling myself enough to try to learn about someone new. I am not sure if that is the depression talking or I am genuinely hoping to leave as soon as the semester ends, but it is a bit too late in the semester to try to make any real connections. This transition has been a new experience that has taught me that while my surroundings might change I will still be who I am just existing somewhere new. Being apart from the city I have known and loved for most of my life I have had some separation anxiety that has put me in a mental safety bubble, to avoid letting the reality of my situation set in.
Several days a week I will make calls to my friends in Arizona and mom who help maintain my sanity, but I fear that everyone I know is changing in such a way that I will not enjoy being with them as much as I once did. There have been new people introduced and inside jokes made, while I spend my days watching Adventure Time as I eat my weight in Reese’s cups. With all of the uncertainty I face, there is an overwhelming amount of doubt I face every day trying to decide whether I want to try to be an accomplished adult, or if I would be better off staying in bed until I cease to exist. My depression causes me to put off my assignments until I can’t wait any longer, knowing that I do nothing else to contribute to my current living situation. I know that people can tell I am sad, but there is no easy way to confront a stranger about such deeply rooted emotions that they know nothing about. I have been meeting with a councilor weekly for the past month and while I appreciate being able to discuss my troubles with someone who is happy to listen, there is still an emptiness in my heart. Lately I have considered taking antidepressants, although I am hoping that these emotions are temporary as are the changing of the seasons seems to be.
From my trial and error days, I have found that one of the best ways to make myself feel better is to get out of bed early and get ready so that I don’t look like I am as sad as I feel. Giving myself a confidence boost at the beginning of the day helps me create some happiness which usually goes a long way throughout my activities. Regardless of how I feel, I can be comfortable knowing that I look nice and it isn’t incredibly obvious to everyone that I would rather be crying under my covers. Aside from looking happier I combat my depression by choosing to do little things that make me feel better, such as buying myself an iced tea or simply sitting under a tree. My personal struggles affect every aspect of my day to day life, especially when I am unaware of the steady decline of my quality of life. Once I am able to take notice that I have been living like a mess with my basket full of unfolded laundry and a sink full of dishes, I find that cleaning helps me refocus my energy in the right direction. Although I may not normally face depression during the year I know I could easily get caught in the wake, so when life gets too overwhelming I need to remove myself from the action and take some time for me. Taking time for mental health grows increasingly more important to me as I grow older and I hope to one day be able to make peace with my mind, despite my afflictions. I strive to enjoy every day as much as I can with the goal to do one thing that makes me smile everyday because I know I deserve it, no matter how sad I feel.
Picture Credits: Brittany Hammis