Let’s just be real here. Ending a relationship can be a very complicated thing, and no matter who calls things off, one or both of you may begin to feel that urge to reach back out to the other. Maybe you just want to check in and make sure everything is going well and form a friendly relationship with them, or maybe you are interested in getting back together. Whatever the case, if you still want to talk to your ex after a breakup, DO NOT freak out: it is totally normal.
First and foremost, it all depends on the timing and intentions. If you have just broken up and had been together for an extended period of time, or even lived together, it is completely normal to want to talk to your ex. If you have had a habit of being around your partner- talking about your day, doing things in your daily lives, going to bed together- you will begin to feel lonely and have this urgent need to talk to them: it is as natural as breathing air for you. In these situations, it is absolutely okay to want to talk to your ex and keep them involved in your life and vice versa out of habit.
Now, just because it is normal, does that mean that you should?
It all depends on what you want to get out of talking to your ex. You may have this idealization of what could have been with your ex and a belief that if you continue to talk, you may be able to work things out or they may come back. In this moment, it is important to understand what your motivations and underlying desires are. If that is something that you want, then you need to be honest with yourself about it, and that talking to them could prohibit you from truly moving on and becoming emotionally available to others.
If the relationship ended badly, or you both wanted different things, and you know deep down that you should not get back together, then it may be advised to not reach out and talk to them. Of course, the desire to talk is still a normal thing, but that doesn’t mean that you should act on it. If you truly want to move on in your life and close the door to that relationship, you should not talk to them.
Since wanting to talk to your ex is completely normal, there are a few suggestions that you could follow to help you move on. Breaking up is essentially like breaking an addiction- and then wanting to go back and dip into it again. That is why you not only have to cut yourself off from the source, but you also need to seek the support of your friends, family, community, or a therapist or coach who can remind you of what you truly want and help resist the temptation to fall back in.
If, in the event, you do find yourself going back and talking to your ex, even if you know that it is not the best idea, be kind to yourself and resolve with the idea that it is best to not do that again. If you begin to feel the urge creep up on you, I would recommend writing out a letter to them, letting all of your emotions out, and then never send it to them. That way, you can express your emotions without ever involving your ex.
Remember: there is nothing wrong with wanting to talk to your ex, and it is completely OK to want to reach out to them. But, it may not be the best idea in the long run. At the end of the day, remember that you are awesome, and that you deserve to be happy. Do what feels best for you because only you know what it is.