Dear Anxiety,
Do you remember that time I came home from school and headed straight for the stairs, avoiding eye contact with my mother as she attempted to ask me about my day? Do you remember how you beckoned for me, sitting like the devil propped on my shoulder while I sprinted up towards my bedroom door? Do you remember the joy you felt when you held me against the wall, shaking my shoulders back and forth, holding my throat so I could barely choke out a sound? And all the while, I felt as if I was in this alternate universe, as if everything else was clouded by your judgments. It was only me and you.
Image courtesy of Victor Dueñas Teixeira
But, here’s the thing, I’m not dealing with you on my own anymore.
I guess the whole reason I don’t like to talk about our relationship is because nobody likes to deal with someone who’s involved with you. What bothers me most about your existence is that most of us don’t have the strength to stand up to you and tell you how we feel. We know you’re going to stay. We just don’t want you to.
I always wonder if I were to tell you the unnecessary pain you’ve put me through, would you back off? Because dealing with you, anxiety, is like watching a race car drive on a track 100 times, knowing it can’t turn around. It feels like shouting from the bottom of an abyss, even though I know no one can hear me. Dealing with you feels like falling off a waterfall into sharp rocks that stare up at me like the teeth of a dark creature, waiting to swallow me up. And it’s because of you that I don’t even realize when I’m biting my nails, or grinding my teeth, or rubbing my finger against my thumb, or avoiding eye contact, simply because I can’t control it. I can’t control you.
So, why am I writing this letter to you, especially if I know you’re stuck with me for all eternity? Well, like I mentioned before, I’m not dealing with you by myself because I know I’m not alone in this. I know there are people out there struggling, suffering, and feeling trapped by your presence and I hope that one day they can see through your childish, manipulative mind games because I can finally see the light. I’m not afraid of you anymore.
Image courtesy of Agnieszka Boeske
Come at me with all you’ve got. I’m ready to take on any challenge you throw my way. I’m in charge of this relationship from now on and I always will be.