Have you ever had that moment when you realized you were doing something for all of the wrong reasons?
Like when you were licking a swing set for $10, or eating something so disgusting just to prove that you were the best?
Yeah, I think we have all been there one way or another, and I discovered that I was a victim and perpetrator of this all on my own. You see, I was telling myself that I was ready to love, to be loved, to just get that feeling of excitement when I talk with someone. I searched and searched until, eventually, I found someone. Everything seems okay when you are talking with them over the phone, through text, or communicating via social media, but when you meet them in person, it is like a slap to the face when all of a sudden, you don’t feel anything for them.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with that because we feel things for different people and different reasons, but for me, this was a wake-up call. It is truly terrible to use someone that way. To lead them on thinking that they are going to get to be in a relationship, that they get to hold and talk to someone about anything they can imagine, and then pull the rug out from under them when that sudden realization of “I can’t be with this person at all,” comes into play.
Loving when you are ready and not when you are lonely is a phrase that I have found out to be a new life motto. It is impossible to completely give yourself to someone when you were just looking for something to fill that void. You need to truly work on yourself and your goals before you can ever jump into a relationship. You need to feel that the time is right to love at that moment. Most importantly, you need to ask yourself, do I love me? Because you can’t expect someone else to do all the loving for both parties. It is not fair to either side.
I, unfortunately, came upon this realization too late, and because of that, I ended up hurting someone that didn’t deserve that. This person deserves the whole world and more for what I inadvertently put them through just for me to pull back at the last second and say that this is not right, this is not what I want, and I am not ready. Do I feel horrible about it? Yes, I do. But the best thing now is to learn from this mistake and do better in the future.
Let me leave you with this. If you had the chance to go back in time for me, would you continue on and be where I left him at, or would you do something different? Maybe talk to him about your feelings? Try and make it just friends before it gets too serious? Or, just end it right then and there and work on yourself so that you are ready when he comes back around?