Content warning: This story discusses sensitive topics including school shootings.
It is not unusual to find me sitting in front of my computer, staring at a blank document for hours. After all, I’m a writer, and that’s half the job.
Everything has been blank recently. Blank documents, blank screens, blank assignments, and most of all, blank stares. The issue isn’t just that I can’t pay attention in class, I never can. It’s that I can’t focus on the things I love; it doesn’t feel right.
It feels amoral to want to sit down to watch my favorite movie or a stupid YouTube video; I can’t pay attention and I end up rewinding and rewinding because I lose interest. Having a cohesive thought is out of the question.
But I want it so bad. I want my home back. I want to see my friends without crying. I want to have a conversation with them about literally anything else. And I want to do what makes me happy without this dark cloud looming over me, never letting me forget. If it even grants me the focus and the energy to do it in the first place.
Then there’s the guilt. I don’t want to ignore it, but I don’t want to forget it, either. Because ignoring it will cause me to lose. When I ignore it, then the internet and the charities and the politicians and the gun lobbyists will ignore it, too. That is, if they haven’t already moved on. Getting back to normal is what has to happen eventually, I’m just waiting for a timeline.
And I know it will happen. I believe in myself. I believe in my loved ones and my community. But right now, I’m stuck in the middle. I am stuck with this burden of trying to remember and trying to forget; I am failing all the way.
So I don’t know what I’m allowed to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Laughing feels wrong, crying feels wrong, being with friends feels wrong, and being alone feels wrong. What’s worse is that I’m asking this as if there will ever be an answer.