A love letter to all of my out-of-state students: I hope you never have to answer “Why did you come here?” ever again.
As a second semester sophomore from California at Michigan State University, I’m still meeting new people left and right, whether it’s through a new club I joined, a council I’m on, or even a casual get-together with mutual friends. One of the best things about college is how it brings together people from all over, sparking conversations that range from deep and meaningful to hilariously random. But let’s be honest, some questions get way over-asked. Whether it’s the classic “why would you come here?” or the dreaded “you know it snows here, right?” some things are just better left unsaid.
Don’t worry, though! This isn’t a callout, just a friendly guide to help you navigate small talk with out-of-state students and keep the conversation fun instead.
Let’s break down some of the most common questions we out-of-staters hear — and why they might not be the best conversation starters.
- “Why did you come here?”
I get it. People think their school or state is nothing special, so they don’t understand the appeal. But this question can come off as a little… harsh. I like to compare it to food: just because someone doesn’t like strawberries doesn’t mean no one else should. There are countless reasons why I chose Michigan State over a school closer to home, and I’m always happy to talk about it, as are most other out-of-state students, but when this question gets asked a certain way, it makes it seem like you disapprove of the student’s decision, or worse, that you don’t want them there. And that’s definitely not something a person trying to make new friends wants to hear.
Instead, try asking, “What made you choose this school?” It’s a simple tweak, but tone and phrasing make all the difference. You either come across as genuinely interested or unintentionally off-putting… so choose wisely!
- “Wow, isn’t [their home state] really far?”
Yes, it is. For me, that was kind of the whole point. For others, it might have been a compromise for something else they were looking for in a college. Trust me, we’re very aware of how far we are from home. Most out-of-state students don’t have the convenience of heading back at a moment’s notice, so being reminded that we can’t “just go home” can make us feel homesick.
This question also doesn’t leave much room for a response or follow-up conversation. It adds nothing but uneasy feelings, so it’s best to avoid it, and similar questions. Instead, try asking, “How do you like this school or state compared to [their home state]?” It keeps the conversation open and allows for a more meaningful exchange.
- “Can you surf?”
This question is more specific to my situation, coming from a coastal state to a landlocked one, but making assumptions based on someone’s home state doesn’t always lead to the best conversation. The answer? No, I cannot surf. And fun fact: the part of California I’m from has water so cold you’d need a wetsuit year-round, even in the summer.
Stereotypes exist for a reason, but assuming someone’s hobbies instead of asking about their actual interests can feel insincere. A better approach? Try asking: “what’s something unique about where you’re from?” or “is there anything you look forward to trying while you’re at school?” These questions keep the conversation open, personal, and way more engaging, without the awkwardness of incorrect assumptions.
I’m not saying you should never ask these questions, I just want to offer a different perspective from the one receiving them and explain why they can sometimes be annoying or hurtful. The most important thing to keep in mind when asking any question is tone. A genuinely curious tone has a very different impact than one that sounds uninterested or dismissive.
Another thing to remember is that someone’s home state is not their entire identity. Yes, it’s fun seeing people’s reactions when I mention I’m from California, but sometimes it feels like that’s all they care about; when in reality, I have plenty of other interesting things about me. No one wants to feel like a novelty, so be mindful of not reducing someone’s entire being to where they’re from.
The key to a great conversation is asking open-ended questions. These allow both people to listen, think, and engage in a more meaningful way, rather than just blurting out the first talking point that comes to mind. Open-ended questions also help improve the length and quality of a conversation, making it more enjoyable for both sides.
Lastly, focus on common interests rather than geographical differences. As much as you might want to know everything about someone’s home state, remember, this isn’t an interview. They probably want to hear about you too! Share your interests, hobbies, and the fun things about your own hometown to keep the conversation balanced and engaging.
At the end of the day, conversations are about connection, not just curiosity. While it’s natural to be interested in where someone is from, it’s even more important to get to know who they are beyond their home state. By being mindful of the questions you ask, and by focusing on shared interests, you’ll create more meaningful and engaging conversations. So next time you meet an out-of-state student, skip the overused questions and dive into something deeper, you might just make a great new friend in the process.