For me, food has always been the enemy. It wasn’t until middle school that the me vs. food battle began. Growing up, I was always a little bit heavier. My family made sure that I was healthy and always said I was happy, but of course, at that age, I didn’t know any better, and I was genuinely happy.
Now that I am 18-years-old and a college freshman, I look back at when I was that little overweight girl and feel embarrassed. I always ask my parents “why did you let me look like that?” or “was I ever really healthy?’ Their answers were always the same “you were so happy!” and “yes, you were.”
Middle school holds some of the darkest times of my young life. There were days that I would eat only one meal — or sometimes no meal. I hated how I looked years prior, and I made it my goal to never, ever look like that again. I told myself that my weight was the reason boys never looked at me and that I wasn’t pretty compared to the other girls in my grade.
I often think about how this shifted to my mindset now that I am more aware and conscious of my appearance. I blamed my lack of eating on intermittent fasting — what an excuse. It worked for years, though. Could you imagine a 14-year-old saying that she’s intermittent fasting?
I was sick. I couldn’t shake this mindset. I still can’t shake this mindset sometimes. But this is how often eating disorders and diets go hand in hand. Diet culture often promotes the “eat less, lose more” mindset: If you cut out all carbohydrates, you’ll lose 20 pounds in a month. If you only use this protein powder in your shakes, you’ll be looking like Dawayne “The Rock” Johnson in no time.
Because of these advertisements and promises, it makes people think that being hungry all the time is the first step in the right direction. I can tell you right now — it is not.
This is still something that I struggle with. I’ve seen firsthand how a certain diet can help a person lose 20 pounds in a relatively quick time period, but is it really going to last? A person may not be on the keto or paleo diet for the rest of their lives. So, yes, dieting does have some sort of appeal for those that are looking to lose weight in a short amount of time. But, how do those short months contribute to a life’s worth of mental scars?
If I am being honest with you, I am on a diet right now to lose enough to get into a bridesmaid dress for my aunt’s wedding in April. Am I proud that I am doing this to myself? Absolutely not. Do I know the consequences? 100%. Am I going to follow through with it until I can fit into the dress comfortably? You betcha.
I know this might sound very hypocritical of me. I stand on my soapbox yelling how diet culture is bad, but I sit here writing about it as I ate a zero carb pizza for dinner tonight. I am a prime example of how once diet culture grabs you, it won’t let go. It’s a dirty, dirty battle going on between food and me, but I know that food is not the enemy — my mindset is. I know it needs to change. I know it will take time. But for now, I will carry on feeding myself with the best foods and letting myself splurge every once in a while. Because we all deserve it.