The older I get, the more I start to realize which men are truly toxic. I remember hearing about Grey’s Anatomy, and though I could only make it through three seasons before I finally became bored with the series and its drama, I found it interesting how women fell in love with McDreamy (Derek Shepherd) and cared not for McSteamy (Mark Sloan). In comparing the two men as an grown woman, I’ve realized that McDreamy is the toxic one – not McSteamy.
There is no doubt that out of the two men, one is a player and the other one seems like Mr. Perfect: “The type of guy you want to marry, have kids with, etc.” Derek Shepherd is the “dreamboat,” but in reality, he isn’t.
First, Derek can’t handle problems face-to-face. When he caught his wife, Addison, cheating on him with his best friend Mark, he didn’t do anything, instead running away to the other side of the country. He didn’t confront his issues head-on, nor did he acknowledge his true emotions to Addison until he was forced to do so. Second, Derek only cared about his own career and not his wife’s. There is no scene in Grey’s where Meredith tells her husband about her day and he says, “that’s wonderful” or “I’m so proud of you.” Instead, he says things like, “you wasted my time to tell me that.” Could you imagine all your joy being sucked away because the person you love the most doesn’t acknowledge your accomplishments or seem the least bit happy for you? That one comment destroyed Meredith’s day – she tried to tell her husband about something she was proud of and was met with disdain.
Then there is the fact that Derek is the source of the drama. When Derek moved to Seattle, he brought the drama with him. Instead of facing his problems in New York, he ran away from them, resulting in a messy problem for Meredith on the account of him never telling her that he was married in the first place! Addison was the one who felt bad for Meredith and told her the truth. Derek couldn’t even say the words. Derek brings drama with him.
Lastly, instead of letting Addison go, he decided to mock her and consistently blamed her for everything that happened in the marriage. Yes, I realize that Addison did cheat with Derek on Mark. But instead of ending the marriage after cheating, he decided to take her back and torture her mentally. He messed with her emotions and tried to “make it work,” but clearly all he wanted was mess with her. He also did the same thing to Meredith. Instead of letting Meredith go, he toyed with her emotions and played with her heart. When Meredith tried to move on, Derek wouldn’t let her.
Here are some of the red flags when it comes to Derek:
1. Derek doesn’t tell Meredith that he is married.
2. He didn’t let Meredith move on when he chose Addison over her.
3. He shamed Meredith for sleeping around when it was none of his business.
4. Derek only wanted Meredith when he couldn’t have her.
5. It’s never clear if he truly loves Meredith or if he just hates the idea of someone else being with her.
6. Derek doesn’t face his problems head on and blames everyone but himself.
7. He is a downer and brings everyone around him down when he is depressed.
He wasn’t the right choice for Meredith. More or less, I think she picked him because he wasn’t perfect, but because he was damaged like her. Meredith had problems of her own. She is human after all, and I think one of the big reasons that she chose Derek over other possible candidates is because of his flaws. However, I always hated knowing that there were better men for her that would have treated her better if she thought she deserved their love.
Mark Sloan is the better of the two men because you know the kind of person he is and he doesn’t try to hide it.
McSteamy is a playboy, but he acknowledges this about himself. I respect him as a character because you know who he is and what he is trying to accomplish. If a woman was going to sleep with him, they knew what they were getting because he was transparent about only wanting a hook-up. McSteamy was an honest man, whereas McDreamy always seemed to be a downer. I never enjoyed Derek because he always seemed to blame his problems on other people. He didn’t seem to acknowledge who he truly was and always seemed to point his finger to Mark, blaming him for everything that went wrong in his first marriage. What he failed to notice is that they are both to blame for their own problems.
When Mark knew that he loved Lexi, he did everything to win her over. He tried to get her to move in, he changed his habits for her and most importantly, he wasn’t sleeping around with other women when he knew he was serious about her. Mark did everything for Lexi because he truly loved her, and he acknowledged it as well. When Mark cared about people, he gave his whole heart to them, doing everything in his power to help and protect them.
Everyone has their flaws. No one is perfect, nor can they become perfect. Some people are better at acknowledging this than others, and some don’t want to admit it at all. The important thing to note is that you should take a person for who they truly are. Don’t try to change them if they don’t want to be changed. Don’t try to fix them if they clearly don’t want to be fixed. Make sure you truly know the person before you decide to take things further. Just because something looks good on the outside, doesn’t mean it’s good on the inside.