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Mate your job is to be my Friend, not my Mother

My mother gave me great advice, “never mother someone else, until you become a mother yourself. It’s not your job to be motherly.”  

My mother has always been trusting of my brother and I. She knows that we can take care of ourselves and that we are responsible individuals. While we were growing up, she did little oversight and ensured that we had the freedom to make our own decisions. Unfortunately, not everyone has a similar parenting style and because of that there can be differences that affect relationships.

I have friends that act like mothers and I don’t understand the reason why they act this way or why they think that they need to “be my mother.” One of my friends refers to it as  “worrisome love.” 

I think they act like my mother because they care about me. However, sometimes it comes off the wrong way because it reminds me of how a mother acts towards her child.

I appreciate that they care about me, but I don’t need this “worrisome love.” I don’t need someone tracking my location or being mad at me for having fun. I don’t need permission to bring back the fun to my own room. I don’t need to communicate my decisions or actions in regards to what I do in my own room. I don’t need discipline from someone who is the same age as I am and I surely don’t need someone judging my actions. 

As a friend, you should respect my decisions and be a landing in case I fall off. The type of friend that doesn’t look down on me or think that I need “worrisome love,” when I already get that from my mother.

I am a grown woman, and as a grown woman I have the right to make my own decisions and do what I want. I understand that my motherly friends care about  “bettering well-being.” But the thing is, you can’t change my mind. You can’t tell me what to do. The only people who can monitor my life or possibly change my mind are my parents.  My parents have every right to parent me as they see fit and others have no business telling me what I can and can’t do. Nor do I need to justify my actions to anyone. Likewise, others don’t need to justify their actions to me. My actions are my own actions and the same can be said for others.

I don’t know why others feel the need to act spiteful because I won’t heed their advice or follow their rules. You have your rules, I have mine. As much as I appreciate your concern, I don’t need you to worry about my behalf. You are not my mother and have no right to act like it.

Then there is the pettiness of one’s behavior, when you can’t control me or bend me to your will. How one gets mad for days over someone else’s behavior is petty. The comparison can be made to a couple, when one acts mad for days but will never allude to their partner’s “wrongdoing.” Instead choosing to let the partner wait it out, until they finally speak. One is unable to hold in laughter because of the severity of which their partner immaturely proceeded to behave. Once they do, it’s the smallest thing or the most ridiculous thing. This is an improper way to communicate and creates tension. It is justifiable to be angry, but there are better ways to communicate one’s anger. 

Any problems that you have towards me are your problems and your impostions. I am a grown woman and I have the right to have fun. This is my senior year and I want to experience college. So, don’t blame me, for finding the time to hang out with other people and the ability to keep moving forward. I have the right to be selfish and the right to live my life the way that I want to live my life

I have 99 problems and you ain’t one.

Problems are created by one’s self and others are not responsible for them. It is more reasonable and mature to be upfront with somebody rather than bringing in others to play messenger.. How do you expect to solve a problem if you are unwilling to face the problem head on? It is unnecessary to send a messenger, when you have your own voice because we lose the ability to address the core of the issue. A person worries about the storm and cares little for the rain clouds that accumulate in the sky. 

Jealousy is a ugly thing. It’s like a gray cloud that accumulates before the storm and unfortunately, just like the warning signs of a storm, it’s not well hidden. I don’t know if the need to act like a mother is out of jealousy or holding me back is to prevent you from facing your own faults. But like I said, that is not my problem. It’s all on you. There is no need to act jealous. There is no need to act petty towards someone out of jealousy. Also don’t try to admit that you’re not, when it is written all over your face.

I don’t want to lose a friendship because of motherly behavior or petty actions. Good friendships are always appreciated and provide an escape from reality. It’s good to have a chap you can talk to and vent out the stress of school or work. I have no right to judge your actions, but it’s hard to respect a person when you have made all the wrong moves. The path you have chosen has led to the rise of problems that not only affect you and I, but also friends, co-workers and classmates. Hopefully for the sake of others, an augment can be made to at least cohabitate with each other. But if the friendship comes to an end, then we know who is truly at fault for that.

This whole relationship is feeling very one sided at this point, I haven’t had or been given the opportunity to share my side or the way I have been feeling. When addressed issues, the dynamic has been about pleasing one person’s feelings. I listen and haven’t addressed my side of the story because of my unselfish behavior. I never understood how one person could be so narcissistic. I am disregarded as an individual and am focused to hold in my opinion for the sake of peace. Instead of being accepted and encouraged, I am being judged and ridiculed because of jealousy.
I feel that personal problems are amidst. Personally, I deal with my own problems and look towards outward sources for help. I seek help and try my best not to create a toxic environment. I get rid of all my anger and sorrow beforehand to ensure that I don’t let emotion affect my decisions or the conversation at hand. Unfortunately, others don’t follow the same technique and use emotion before logic. No matter what you are dealing with, this type of treatment isn’t deserving of anyone in my situation.

Though I will admit I am at fault for this: I should have listened to my gut months ago when I had a feeling that living with you would be a mistake for the friendship. Though you are an adequate friend, I can not say that you are the ideal person to live with because of our shared differences. A friendship that has lasted years is on the line. It’s my mistake to think that you could handle living with me and would be understanding of how I choose to live my college experience in contrast to you. When others have been more than supportive and encouraging of my endeavors. From this point forward I hope that bygones can be bygones and that we can respectfully go our separate ways as friends.

But if you want a divorce. Understand this. Don’t bring the children into this.

 Friends don’t need to be brought into our issues. At least divorced parents can act civilly around one another and be supportive of their children.

I tried my best to fix the situation and I tried to be as mature as possible given the circumstances.  Especially considering how you have chosen to handle the situation. I have been respectful in regards to your boundaries, even when you haven’t been respectful of mine.
I am standing on my own two feet because I have had enough. I have had enough of being treated like this, when I have no right to be treated this way. I have had enough of being unable to enjoy myself and being judged for enjoying myself. I have had enough.

I was raised to withstand the storm. I was raised to deal with the hardships and the breakups. I am a strong woman and I can face anything that comes my way. I am the fixer, not the breaker

Nicolette is studying Physiology with a minor in Health Promotion at Michigan State University. Planning to go to dental school, with her dream job to provide dental care to professional athletics and travel the world to provide assistance to those who don't have proper dental care. In addition, Nicolette is also a member of MSU Pre-Dental Club, MSU Chaarg, and MSU Relay. Nicolette's favorite pastime(s) is going to sporting events with her friends, photography and working out at her part-time job: IM West.