I have been on the fast track all my life.
I was 12 years old when I started high school because I skipped 4th grade and started kindergarten a year early. Everyone thought it was because I was super smart, but it was just because my parents chose this path for me and I had no say in the matter. I felt out of place throughout high since I was so young, but I just accepted that I had to go through it like everyone else. I felt like I grew up really fast, but I also felt way behind my classmates as they got their driver’s licenses during sophomore year, turned 18 senior year, and are now starting to hit 20 as I lag behind at 18.
When I started college at 16, I thought that I was ahead of the game and wanted to get even further ahead. I planned out my classes to graduate in 3 years instead of 4, and dreamed of cruising right to law school after. Chasing this goal of attending a top law school kept me focused and grounded for the first year and a half of college, but I still made sure to have fun and join clubs and meet new people. I began studying for the LSAT last semester in order to prepare for the exam this June. I was dedicated to getting a top score and studied for about 5 hours a week. I even started taking a full-length practice exam every Saturday, but I quickly became frustrated and discouraged as my score seemed to plateau at a point far lower than I needed to get into the schools I wanted.
I was so sure that I had found my calling in life that I was ignoring how hard I was pushing myself. I felt overwhelmed by the long hours studying, the responsibilities of my e-Board positions, and the endless extracurricular activities that I signed up for to boost my law school application. I felt like I wasn’t really doing the things I wanted to do, but it didn’t matter because it was going to get me where I wanted to go.
Recently, a question that I have never entertained popped into my head: Is this really what I want?
I thought about the reasons that I wanted to be a lawyer, including my desire to help others and my passion for politics. But, I realized that I no longer felt the desire to change things and fight injustice when I scrolled through the news. I felt defeated and hopeless, and I felt like I would be better able to help people through another career. I just couldn’t understand why my dreams had evaporated seemingly overnight when I had spent so much time working towards them.
But I was reminded by a friend that we do have doubts and we do get tired and burned out, even when we are working towards what we want. It is totally okay to experience these feelings, and they are totally valid. I took this last week as an opportunity to reflect on myself and think about what I really want out of life. I took a break from studying for the LSAT and just slowed down and took time for myself.
I had convinced myself that taking a break was not a healthy way to deal with stress, and I felt like my only option was to keep pushing until I get past the roadblock. But the truth is that giving yourself time to relax and reflect is one of the best things you can do. I still haven’t figured everything out, but I think I’m on the right track.
So when you have worries or doubts, think about why you started on the path you are on now. If it no longer sounds like what you want, it’s okay to change your mind and follow your heart. You may find that you were doing the right thing all along and just need a break, or you may find that you really want to do something else.
This life is yours to live. Do what makes YOU happy. Take a break. Slow down. Find out what it is that you want. I promise that it will be okay.