Dirty Acceptance

The mirror is 

My enemy,

An unavoidable insecurity.

I hate the reminder 

Of you that it serves 

When I look at myself.

 

I hate the mirror

My reflection.

It’s an aversion I haven’t

Processed, because I can’t.

I wish I could say I've gotten over it,

My hate for you,

For me.

 

I hate the reminder that You serve.

Of the memories you draw

And the pain you inflicted.

I see the darkness

When I look in the mirror.

The ones you put in me,

The thoughts that take me

One step closer to you.

 

I want to Run.

Run in the other direction,

Away from you

From the actions and words

That you can’t take back.

But neither can I.

 

I’ve done it too;

Caused pain,

Inflicted Darkness,

That I want to blame on 

You.

But I can’t

I’ve done it too.

 

I just pray,

My lengths are shorter than

Yours.

You faux superhero

I believed you to be.

How wrong was I?

You

Were never a hero,

Always the villain?

 

An evil

That resides within me,

Dirt I wish to wash away.

Anger

That makes me

You.

But it’s forever,

Our DNA.

 

There won’t be saving.

No cleansing,

Or escaping from that darkness.

I can avoid the mirror,

Use some paint to cover up

The blemishes I feel

Crawling within me.

 

I’ll use paper

To cover the reflections

So I won’t find myself -

Because I’m afraid

Of what I might find if I do.

You.

 

But I want to run,

To me,

To find who I am.

But You won’t leave me alone.

With every turn,

The breath is stolen from my lungs.

Because 

You yanked my heart from my chest

 

Even with eyes closed,

I never breathe because of what 

You did.

Every second of pain,

Causes a sickness to churn

In my stomach.

Causes an ache to pulse

In the cavern you created.

 

A glance from You,

Of You,

That’s what it does.

But I’m tired

Of running and being afraid.

I need

To look in the mirror

At the glossy reflection of my eyes -

Our eyes. 

At the contours of my round face

Dad’s face.

 

A face I want to see

And love,

Because he’s gone and

It’s all I have left.

And my enemy keeps him

Locked away from me.

Because I have an insecurity

That I can’t bring myself to confront

 

To solve the neglect I’ve 

Been causing myself

From the dirty water I feel

Flows through my veins.

Our shared DNA -

That I need to accept,

As I’ve captured a 

Reflection of myself.