The Skinny on Detox Tea

“Mom, I think I’m allergic to something in the tea. I feel like I’m dying.” These are the exact words I sobbed to my mom after using Teami Blends, a detox tea. 

By now, I’m pretty sure everyone has heard of some kind of detox tea, and we can thank Instagram for that. I can guarantee you, you’ll find at least one picture of your favorite celebrity, YouTube guru or other famous internet person(s) on Instagram with some kind of detox tea. 

Naturally, I wanted to try the tea for many reasons. For one, I was tired of looking like I was 3 months pregnant. Let’s be real, looking pregnant isn’t cute unless, YOU ARE ACTUALLY PREGNANT. Secondly, I wanted to see what all the hype was about. Does this tea really work? All the girls promoting this tea were gorgeous and skinny, none of them ever explained how the tea works but always gave it credit when referring to their figures. I mean, if all I had to do was drink tea to be skinny, then I wanted in. After seeing the millionth person posing with a detox tea bag on Instagram, I was done playing games and wanted in on the skinny…I ordered the damn tea. 

There are so MANY detox tea brands, but the one I chose to go with was Teami Blends. I didn’t choose this brand for any specific reason other than, it was the brand that I seen most on Instagram (It’s probably not a good idea to make choices based on that). Teami Blends has many teas to choose from, but it made the most sense for me to get the Teami Detox 30 Day Pack. This pack was a combination of the skinny tea and the colon cleanse, I had no idea what I was getting into. 

You drink the skinny tea in the mornings every day and at night you take the colon cleanse every other night. My first morning taking the tea went well. It didn’t taste bad, and actually acted as a meal replacement. I love when I don’t have to cook breakfast simply because I’m in college, and I don’t have the time. Making the tea was easy and I was on my way. The first night taking the colon cleanse went well, I took it before bed and everything was fine. The next morning I woke up and did my usual morning routine. I got up, got dressed for school and then made my tea. I kid you not, as soon as I finished my cup of tea, I had to go like go go. There was no holding it until I got to school, it was a drop your shit now and get to the bathroom kind of go. Long story short, I thought I was dying. Honestly, I felt like I had the flu (if you’ve ever had the flu then you know the symptoms). My stomach was tingling, I had sweat beads on my forehead (girl yes, I was sweating), and I was heaving as if I was going to throw up all WHILE sitting on the toilet. This happened to me not once, but TWICE in one day. Any rational person would connect the tea and this experience together, but who am I kidding? I’m not rational. Here I was, thinking that I was getting the flu or just ate something bad the night before. The next day I didn’t experience those things, but the day after that I had those same “symptoms” and (remember, the colon cleanse is every other night.) the third time around, I finally linked the tea and symptoms together. 

On the third day, I’d had just about enough. I was tired of running back and forth to the bathroom. I DIDN’T sign up for this, I was trying to be on the skinny train not the shitty train. I called my mom because I needed answers. I was crying to her and telling her all of my symptoms all the while she was laughing hysterically on the other end. 

“You know that’s what it’s supposed to do right? And you probably aren’t drinking enough water, which is why you’re sweating and damn near dying on the toilet” she said. 

Hold up, hold up, hold up… You mean to tell me this is what is supposed to be happening? All that Instagram promoting and no one thought it would be wise to mention any of this? No wonder everyone is so damn thin all, their food runs right through them. 

I can’t end this by saying I stopped drinking the tea (again, I’m not rational), I continued to drink the tea because it was working. Hell, I even made my boyfriend drink some of the colon cleanse tea because I didn’t want to suffer alone (Evil? I know). I did start drinking lots of water and things got better, but I was sill a frequent visitor to the bathroom. 

Yes, the tea works. However, I would recommend taking the colon cleanse on nights where you don’t have to do anything the next morning. You do lose weight, but keep in mind you’re losing weight because all the food that you’ve consumed is being pushed out of your body. 

From now on, I will take everything promoted on Instagram with a grain of salt. Some things are just too good to be true.