I sometimes wonder how people who I find beautiful, smart, courageous, strong-willed and seem as though they have everything together, believe they are not good enough, feel lonely and that they wish they could be different. I remember feeling that way and thinking they don’t look like anything they describe themselves as. In my eyes, they are perfect. Then I remember back to myself and the battle I faced was on the inside. No one could see what I was going through and that everyone around me was dealing with their own internal wars.
Self-esteem plummets during girls’ time of puberty. 72 percent of girls feel that society limits them. With those negative limits put upon us, our self-esteem is negatively affected. These negative feelings start young and continue to dwindle into our adolescents and adulthood. It’s heartbreaking to know that people around me were struggling with things similar to what I was.
I have always been big boned. Boys never chased after me. I didn’t get to experience the dating culture. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and when I would get close to someone, I always thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was weird, ugly, fat, talked funny and walked funny. It felt like people looked at me and judged me on my appearance. My friends at the time were only my friends because they felt sorry for me, they weren’t my true friends, I finally realized. I criticized every aspect of myself – my appearance, personality and even to the point of how I did basic daily tasks.
Because of all the demeaning things I told myself, I went into a deep depression that has been on and off for seven years and is something I continue to struggle with. If you knew me, you would have no idea that I was depressed. You would also have no idea that my depression lead me to have an eating disorder and anxiety. I thought I wasn’t good enough for anybody around me, causing my health to go down the drain. It got so bad this past year that I had serious thoughts of suicide. I thought the world would be better off without me in it and I decided to go to the hospital to get help. I was sent to a hospital in Fargo, North Dakota. It was a reality check and a shock to my friends, family and especially to me.
Being in the hospital, I learned not only myself, but about the many other people who are facing similar struggles as well. Some people hid their depression so well, you would never know they were struggling. While others’ illnesses were seen simply by their facial expressions, as tears were constantly threatening to appear. I thought that the people who were in the hospital with looked normal. They didn’t belong there, but I did. This observation was the biggest turning point in my life. Seeing them made me realize that no one should feel that way. All of us were similar and different. We all had diverse stories that separated us, but a condition that united us. We weren’t outcasts; we just needed some guidance on how to love the great people that we were.
Why do we criticized ourselves so harshly? Why do we feel lonely? Why do we feel as though we are not good enough? These thoughts are explained by science and societal influence that make us question ourselves. For some people, it’s an internal feeling that you cannot explain. It makes no sense that it seems as if you have everything you could ever want, but yet you feel sad, empty and alone. You feel hopeless and even when people tell you how wonderful you are, it’s impossible to believe. So often we base our happiness on society’s values, trends, needs and the people closest to us. Happiness should be based purely on what makes you happy as a person, not what makes society happy.
As someone who has struggled with self-esteem her whole life, please listen to what advice I have for girls around the world:
Go to therapy. I learned how to define my triggers and how to deal with them, which has been the most important success thus far. It will also help change the way you think about something, which can potentially change your whole life.
I started by highlighting all of the achievements I have made. I found motivational quotes on Pinterest to help perk my mood. I wrote goals for myself and what I needed to do to achieve them. I compliment myself in the morning about one thing I liked, even if it was the same thing I had said three days in a row. When hard things came up, such as finances, I told myself I can achieve my budget goals and get through the rough patch. When I would start to get down on myself, I would write down why I felt that way. At a later date, I would read it back to myself and write the positive things about myself. In time, I saw a huge change, and was no longer demeaning myself.
When I get ready for the day, I dolled myself up for myself and only myself. When I would go out to parties or the bar, I was no longer looking pretty for the guys, it was to look and feel good about myself. Now, everything I do is for me. I refuse to let the world define me as a person any longer. It’s been four months since I’ve been in the hospital and I still face battles each day, but I deal with them in a positive and non-demeaning manner – which has proven to be successful.
To all collegiettes: society should not tell you what and how you should be. No women or man should ever determine your happiness and whether or not you are not good enough. We exhaust ourselves with the pressure to meet society’s standards, we do get tired of being alone and wanting a partner. It happens, but please remember, you are so much more! You are perfect the way you are; the people who you surround yourself with and care about you, see your true beauty. Focus on the good things in your life. No, you are not alone. Do things for you. Society and the people around you do not define you. YOU define your happiness.