You call the pharmacy to refill your birth control, and the pharmacist tells you that there aren’t any refills left, so you should contact your doctor. You call your OB-GYN’s office to ask them if they can send over some more refills, and they tell you what you’ve been hoping with every bone in your body you wouldn’t hear… “It’s actually time for your yearly appointment! Would you like to schedule that now?”
Many collegiettes have to make an annual trip to the Gynecologist, and just as many collegiettes can’t wait for that trip to be over. Don’t worry, we’re right there with you and we feel your pain.
In the waiting room…
1. Do any of these people think I look pregnant?
2. …What if I’m pregnant?
3. Nope. There’s no way. Not today.
4. Was I supposed to shave at all? Should I have gotten waxed? I don’t want to try too hard…
5. Well… Didn’t shave my legs either.
6. No. I don’t care, my gyno doesn’t care either.
7. What if I see someone I know? What if I see one of my professors?
8. Did she just call my name? Yes. That’s my name. Here goes nothing…
In the office…
9. Why does this need to happen every year? I’m not pregnant and I don’t have any STIs.
10. Wait… I haven’t had sex since…. I just had my period on…
11. I know I don’t have any STIs because I’m usually very careful… but what about that one time a few months ago?
12. I really need to start tracking the dates I start and end my period each month. She asks me this every time and I never know.
13. Okay I get that it’s your job to know how many sexual partners I’ve had… But do I really need to take a walk down memory lane with you once a year?
Time for the examination…
14. Why are these gowns so breezy?
15. Sure, your resident can come sit in on the exam. The more the merrier.
16. So many naked butts have touched this bed…
17. Can I catch an STD being here?
18. It’s going to start… How much eye contact do I make?
19. Stop asking about my family and the holidays when your hands are up my vagina.
20. So. Cold.
21. What feels worse, being fingered with rubber gloves or a metal rod?
22. Does my vagina look normal? What the hell is normal anyway?
23. Does it look like a Georgia O’Keefe painting?
24. Time for the breast exam! Ugh.
25. Do my boobs look normal? What the hell is normal anyway?
26. Please be gentle.
27. This is the most action I’ve gotten in months…
28. Can’t you run your hands under some warm water before kneading them like pizza dough?
29. Okay, I know I’m not pregnant, but are you sure I’m not pregnant?
30. This would be so much more fun if Mindy Lahiri was my doctor.
31. Peeing in a cup. Big finale.
32. Ready, aim, FIRE!
33. This is one time I wish I could pee standing up
34. What do you mean I have to wait a couple of days to know my test results?! The human body shouldn’t have anxiety for that long!
35. I feel like I need to boil my body and use 500 disinfectant wipes.
36. Finally. I can put my clothes on. Bless up.
37. I made it out alive! See you never!
38. Okay, but yes, I’ll be back in a year.
You’re done!
While the thought of going to the OB-GYN may feel traumatizing sometimes, everything will most likely be okay. Our gyno’s are just there to help us, and it’s their job to look at vaginas all day! I promise, your vaginal exam is nowhere near the weirdest thing they do all day.. Every vagina is unique, and every vagina is beautiful. Maybe it’s time you scheduled that yearly check-up. Take care of yourselves, collegiettes!