During my twenty-one years of life on this Earth, it’s been one hell of a ride so far. I have gained some new relationships, lost some of those who were important to me, and struggled with trying to find myself. I have been through some really tough times, but, not to be cheesy, I have come out on the other side.
I look back at my old self: How I used to absolutely despise myself, how I used to put on a facade and act like nothing was wrong, how I used to let other people walk all over me. I was living my life for others. For a while, nothing felt like mine. My emotions, my activities, my wants, my needs, my likes, my passions. I felt like nothing was worth it. I felt as if I was just going through the motions of everyday life while desperately not wanting to be here. I would have times when I would sob myself to sleep, face in a pillow so no one heard, and then wake up the next morning acting as if nothing happened. I look back now, and I have come so far.
I call this my “path to self-loving” because I see this experience as a verb instead of a noun, and something that is ongoing. A person is always growing, experiencing, advancing… there is no end-point to someone’s potential. I take each and every day as a lesson. I take each and every day as an opportunity for growth. After today, I can only become better and I can only grow even more.
Although I still care very deeply for other people, I am now able to care deeply about myself as well. Before, I would always sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s. To me, and to some other people in my life at the time, my happiness did not matter. I surrounded myself with people who gave no regard for my feelings and who treated me no better than a stranger passing in the street, while I gave them everything. I made my entire existence about pleasing others and reducing my worth down to nothing.
For me to be able to take care of myself and put myself first, I had to make some difficult decisions in my life. I had to choose to let some people go, I had to dig myself out of the large, large hole I was in. I had to quit letting other people define what I was worth and define who I was. I had to stop allowing myself to be whatever other people wanted. I am no backup plan, I should not make myself last just so others could be first. My mental health should be important to me, and it is now.
This is why I am so passionate about mental health and the well-being of others. I want others to understand that they are capable of so much and that they have so much worth. I know what it’s like to hate myself with everything in me and not want to be here. I know what it’s like to not feel loved and to feel as if no one wants anything to do with me. It breaks my heart to know that there are so many other people who have felt or currently feel this way. I want to normalize self-caring and self-loving because remember, the one person who has been with you and gotten you through everything thus far is you. You are so strong. I am proud of you. I am proud of us. Time for some more self-loving.
Kasidy