Growing up, I watched everyone around me “find their group of people.” It is safe to say that I never did that. Sure, I have been in groups of people before, in school, with dance, in clubs, and more, but I have never felt like I truly belonged to any of them. I shared the same passions, interests, and goals as the individuals inside the group, but I felt no true connection to those individuals. I always felt left out, unwanted, and not good enough. Along the way, I got used to this feeling and thought of it as normalcy. I got used to feeling left out, unwanted, and not good enough.
When I went off to college, I expected things to be different. I had gotten accepted into the honors college at my university and was excited about meeting new people and hopefully creating close relationships. I joined different clubs and tried to reach out to others in the Honors College, but I did not feel like I belonged there either. The three feelings of feeling left out, unwanted, and not good enough followed me even though I wished for them to leave and be replaced by feelings of acceptance, warmth, and ultimately, belonging. My first year of college was hard, as I made some friends and lost some of them within the same year. I was away from my best friend, as she had moved out of state, and I was very confused and felt alone. I was also around three hours away from my boyfriend since I had enrolled in a university that was further away from my hometown. In response, I delve into my studies and schoolwork to keep my mind occupied.
I am now in my second year of college and feel much more secure. I have gotten the hang of time management, my boyfriend and I have learned how to manage a long-distance relationship, and my best friend comes home every so often to see me.
It is not necessarily that I have always wanted to be involved in a group, but of all the times I have been in a group for an organization, a club, or a team, I have never felt completely welcomed or like I actually belong. Until now. In mid-October, I joined a business that sells health, beauty, and wellness products. I did not join for friendships or for fun, I joined because I loved the products and I needed an extra income for college. For these last few months, I have never felt like I belonged with a group of people until now. I never even knew I could feel like I belonged with a group of people. For most of my life, I have learned how to be completely independent, and it is an overwhelming feeling to know that I can rely on such faithful people. We all recently went to Florida together for a small pay-cation, and I made such amazing and memorable experiences with them. Not only did we all gather for tips and exciting announcements about the company, have a glow party together, explore, and hang out, but we all got to know each others’ real and raw selves. We all sat around in a circle explaining what it was that drives us to do the things that we do, and we also shared each others’ stories. I cried with them, laughed with them, and grew closer to them. They have helped me on my journey to feeling good enough on my own.
We all have similar interests, passions, and goals, but I do NOT feel left out, unwanted, or not good enough. I finally feel acceptance, warmth, and belonging, when before, I did not even know it was possible.
HCXO, Kasidy