Edited by: Zaineb Sarang
I still remember the first time I saw a carousel. It was huge, filled with laughter and people of all ages. There were so many ponies, each one prettier than the last. It was never-ending; a beautiful array of children on wooden horses that appeared to be running, despite being constrained to a single pole – so close, yet so far to the real thing.
The memory of bright, colourful lights against the dark night sky is still engraved into my mind. I can still taste the cherry snow cone on my tongue and feel its icy touch seep between my fingers as it dripped onto the grass. As much as I was mesmerized that night, the funny part is I never got on that carousel. I watched all those families dance in circles for far longer than I would like to admit, but I didn’t dare get in line.
I can’t tell you why I didn’t rush for a turn, but I can tell you I didn’t feel the need to. Maybe it was because I was too scared, or maybe part of me already knew the feeling of moving in mindless circles. I stared at the figures until they began to blur, a whirl of people and ponies that blended into a cascade of colours. Everything around me began to fade into the background, until all I could see was that whirlpool of a carnival ride.
Sometimes I wish I was an artist so I could paint those colours and relive the experience all over again, but unfortunately, I can only picture those feelings in my mind. All I have is my mind, along with all the unwanted thoughts it produces and all the memories it replays against my will. I can see the spinning carousel so vividly every night when I close my eyes, almost as if I’m stuck in the middle of its happy chaos. I wonder if a day will come when it stops moving, and what I will do if it does. The thought of such a day terrifies me more than it excites me.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, rumination is best defined as “obsessive thinking about an idea, situation, or choice especially when it interferes with normal mental functioning”, and more specifically as, “a focusing of one’s attention on negative or distressing thoughts or feelings that when excessive or prolonged may lead to or exacerbate an episode of depression”.
There isn’t a single person in the world who hasn’t felt stupid at least once in their life over the tiniest of details – overthinking is natural, it comes to us just as easily as breathing. Whether it be second-guessing yourself during an exam you studied really hard for or crashing out over the way you pronounced a word eight hours ago.
Everyone overthinks; but overthinking isn’t the same as rumination. I would argue that rumination is a niche branch of overthinking because it isn’t just replaying moments in your head over and over again, but rather it feels as if each memory has attached itself to your very soul. You can’t stop replaying the memories, enabling yourself to relive every emotion as if the situation is happening right before you once more. The memories take up all your free time; even years later you are unable to forget because you never truly stopped giving them attention.
Thoughts are like flowers, they can wither out and die, or they can grow stronger and bloom, but instead of water and sun, they thrive off attention. The more attention you pay to a thought, the more it becomes a part of you, as if you have grown a new limb that you must now learn to live with.
The problem is stopping.
Yes, every one of your friends will tell you to “get over it” or to “leave it behind”, but it isn’t so simple. I know I should stop thinking about it, but I can’t. I want to move on, so badly to move on, but I just can’t. I am well aware that it is not healthy to dwell on bad memories and that I can’t change what has already been said and done, but my mind refuses to stop feeding these thoughts.
Personally, I believe rumination takes it even further than overthinking. You start to form questions with no satisfiable answers that appear to be solving the problem, but really, you’re reopening the same wound. You are picking at the edges, allowing the wound to spread out while under the impression that finding answers is what will force the questions to go away. You have convinced yourself that you are healing your wound, but the reality is they never will.
Overthinking is temporary – some people overthink daily, but the panic only lasts until they seek out the reality they are looking for. The doubt and hesitation will eventually dissipate into nothing but an embarrassing memory you will rarely reflect on; not an easy feat, but not self-consuming either. I believe ruminating thoughts are never temporary. They do not have a solution because the answers will never be good enough.
As children, our parents tried to teach us the difference between right and wrong. We made mistakes, got scolded, and moved on. Most of our problems could be resolved with a quick apology. We carried this philosophy with us through every stage of our lives, always trying to make amends for our mistakes through a genuine apology. I used to believe an apology could fix anything, so long as it was sincere and one’s actions would change afterwards. Over time I realized an apology is not always enough.
An in-depth conversation followed by the promise of a sweet treat is not always enough, and neither is a long hug meant to symbolize silent understanding. With rumination, every explanation produces more questions. You will try to understand why they did what they did, but ruminating thoughts tend to find the parts of the explanation that don’t make sense, making your heart ache more rather than less. You focus on the pieces that allow you to think, “I would have never done that to you, so why did you do it to me?”
Nobody has all the answers, especially to uncontrollable questions that are intended to create more harm than good. It’s like walking in a circle – a bunch of inescapable loops that lead to nowhere even when you feel as if you are making progress. I don’t always know what I need. Whether it’s an apology, a conversation, someone to grab me by my shoulders and shake me, or even just sitting in silence, it isn’t easy not knowing what will make the heaviness lighten
Perhaps it is a sign of immaturity, a sign that a person lacks in-depth emotional understanding, or perhaps rumination is the signature of someone who was never allowed to navigate their difficulties in the way they needed – they never got the chance to because they were too focused on empathizing with the feelings of others.
They think they have done their part, but you still don’t feel repaired. They get angry that their apology didn’t lessen the distance between you two, yet they refuse to sit down and talk to you. You are not trying to make them out to be the bad guy, they are under no obligation to agree with you, but you wish they would just listen. You want to make sense of the mess in your head, and you cannot do it alone.
You want to talk, to force all the ugly thoughts into the open, but you can’t when you know how angry they will get. You can’t leave the circle when you know how unwilling they are to understand you, to do what you need from them.
You go out of your way to do anything and everything they ask of you, even when it means sacrificing time out of your busy day, so why is it so hard for them to take care of you when you need it?
Why do they expect you to be okay with what works for them, knowing it will not work for you?
We all struggle, so why do you have to be the invincible one?
Both can co-exist.
They can feel that they have done their part while you acknowledge it was not enough for you. Miscommunication, assumptions, and unspoken words are some of the biggest tragedies humanity has to face and yet, we still learn to live and move on.
At the end of the day, some thoughts will never lighten. Part of you may always ache whenever you reflect on certain memories, but that does not mean you have not grown. Even if it aches a little less or you find yourself asking less questions, it is a sign of improvement.
You deserve self-peace just as much as anyone else. You struggle to get out of your own head because you know yourself best and trust that your decisions will be the best for you and all your loved ones. Sometimes you will be right, but other times you will only be miserable. You will miss out on important moments and obsess over what could have been.
Rumination is not easy to overcome, but at least you’re not the only one dealing with the endless loops. It sucks having to explain what you need when you barely know it for yourself, especially when you can’t justify why you feel the way you do. However, nobody can take that away from you. Everyone is entitled to feeling hurt, there is no need to come up with a reason that suits anyone else but yourself.
That being said, you shouldn’t waste your energy for too long on emotions that will only drain you. One day, you will get off the carousel, and you will want to run back to what became a comfortable sadness, but you will see that the carousel has stopped spinning. The ponies are frozen, the lights are dimmed, and even the children are gone. Let the carousel be a memory, you won’t forget it nor should you have to, but it does not need to spin forever.