The past couple of years have been rough for most of us. For me, dealing with the effects of a pandemic was difficult enough, on top of that I am going through one of the most drastic periods of growth that I have ever experienced. Realizing that I am actually in my third year of university is too much… it means my fourth year is next year, which means I graduate soon, which means I have to figure out what’s next… you get the point. Unfortunately, part of my experience this past year has been some extreme bouts of anxiety. While I’ve always experienced anxious moments, I have never really had them like this.
The feelings come in these huge waves that make it feel impossible to do anything, let alone think about all of the things expected of me; doing well in classes, getting a job, paying rent on time, or what to do after graduating. I tend to get stuck trying to make sure I’m overachieving in everything I do, holding crazy high expectations for myself. I end up throwing myself into my work, letting my own well-being slip away. I find myself anxious, tired, and overwhelmed thinking about things that are years away. It becomes incredibly hard to manage expectations I have for myself without even considering the other people in my life.
My relationships with loved ones are incredibly important – they fulfill me and make life a little less hard to handle. My family is extraordinarily supportive, my friends and roommates are some of the best and most impressive people I have ever met, and my partner is incredible to me. Yet all I feel is the pressure to be perfect. I am constantly stressing about if I said the right thing, if I made someone angry, if everyone in my life miraculously hates me all of a sudden. Hell, I even worry that getting an assignment in late will make my professors think less of me, thus ruining my chances at success. I’m a huge people pleaser and I need everyone to like me. So, I find myself spending the majority of my time trying to do the right thing and be the best possible person in all of their lives, but I constantly fail. Because why wouldn’t I fail? It’s not a realistic standard to set for myself. I can’t be the perfect person, I am going to say the wrong thing, and even if they love me, they probably won’t like me all of the time. That is okay, but it still eats away at me that I am unable to be the perfect friend, daughter, girlfriend and sister. Then, the anxiety hits and I can’t even be decent at it all. I get so overwhelmed that I am no longer able to be fun for my friends, or I wind up needing constant reassurance from my partner. I couldn’t stop thinking I was letting people down, because I couldn’t even get my own mental health under control.
I’m not sure how universal this experience is, but in the past year or so I have let my disdain for my struggles with mental health turn into hatred and disappointment in myself. I have had to, with the help of a good amount of therapy, realize that not everything is solely my fault. Not every goal I have in life has to be completed in a neat little timeline. Not every relationship depends on one comment I made, or if I went to that one event last week. Things aren’t going to crumble if I’m not perfect. In fact, trying to be perfect has been breaking me down. My anxiety hasn’t just been getting worse by chance, it’s been getting worse because I place my expectations, and the expectations I think others have of me, way up in the sky where I will just never reach them. Then, I spiral when I realize I can’t do it all.
I have had to learn to prioritize myself and my own well-being. I’ve developed coping mechanisms that are healthier than taking a nap to ignore my problems. I think that the deep breathing and meditation exercises that I used to think were stupid (well, I’m not totally sold yet) are starting to help. I make my outings to get a six dollar coffee because, while expensive, it makes me pretty damn happy. I try not to think about the fact that I could be spending that time doing a million other things – all of which would make me far less happy. I try to be more honest with my loved ones about how hard of a time I’ve been having, and I ask for their grace more often. I’m learning to balance my high expectations with loving myself for where I am now. I’m not even close to where I want to be (another expectation) but I am trying to grow to become a person who no longer feels like her world is crumbling because she said the wrong thing, or didn’t get an A on a test. Hopefully with some more therapy, and a good amount of self-awareness, I can get where I need to be, a place where I prioritize myself and my wellness – guilt free.