What You Need to Know About the Let Them Theory.
You’ve likely heard of the let them theory by now. If you haven’t, check out this helpful read: https://www.hercampus.com/school/mcmaster/shifting-your-mindset-the-let-them-theory/.
Mel Robbin’s theory is grounded in the idea that we are not responsible for the actions of those around us and needn’t worry about what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. Just let them. Let them do their thing and let me control what I can control. Worrying about others and trying to control their narrative of you only creates more stress and anxiety in your own life. You focus on you, and I’ll focus on myself. This is not a very novel concept, and some think of it as more of a rebranding designed to engage the modern psychology enthusiast. Either way, it’s a simple mindset that can prove helpful, particularly to those prone to overthinking, people pleasing, and spiraling in unproductive thought patterns. This theory has gained a lot of traction over social media lately, and while I think the intent of the theory is mostly good, it’s important to examine the caveats of this theory and why it is so popular right now.
Here’s what the theory got right. You can’t control those around you, and any attempt to do otherwise will cost you your sanity and your relationship. It’s human to care what others think and it’s part of what allows us to function as a society. Sometimes people do dumb things and choosing to stay unbothered is sometimes (note- sometimes) the best way to deal with it. You can control how you respond, not how those around you respond. While the let them theory is a good reminder that we can only control our own reactions to situations, let me remind you that our society eats up individual-centered theories. The “let them” hinges upon the “let me” part of the theory, they need each other to work.
This theory faintly echoes the mentality of “you do you”. How very individualistic of us. This mentality is evidenced everywhere in our Western world. As long as your truths don’t infringe upon mine, we’re fine. Right? Maybe not. The theory aims to rid us of the wasted time spent worrying about other’s opinions while focusing on what we can control. My caution is that we don’t use this theory in a way that encourages us to other’s opinions or behaviors are never worth listening to, just because we’ve convinced ourselves it isn’t our problem. Let’s take the example of your friends hanging out without you several times in a row. The let them theory would suggest that you do simply that, let them keep hanging out without you and you control what you can, whether that be leaving the relationship or confronting them. Obviously, this is much easier said than done. Our individualistic society loves to preach that we just need to pull up our bootstraps, stay unbothered, and everything will work out our way. I worry that for those who don’t know the full extent of the theory, it sounds a bit too much like advice to grit your teeth, grin and bear it. While this was certainly not Robbin’s goal, I fear that this idealized mentality might wrongly encourage people to avoid conflict and stay in a pit of grudge- holding onto sourness in the name of appearing unbothered. (Although to that she might say, “let them”).
So, while this theory has some beneficial aspects, focusing too much on the “let them” aspect without taking responsibility for the “let me” will have some serious consequences. We undoubtedly place a strong emphasis on personal responsibility, which is in part why the theory is so successful in our culture. But groups and societies need common goals, which only happen when we work together. While Mel Robbins gives some excellent thoughts through this theory that have been supported by psychology, I think it’s important to critically reflect on why this theory is so popular right now and how individualism plays a role in its popularity, before deciding how to interact with it.
Special thanks to the following articles and their authors for helping me learn more about Robbin’s theory!
https://www.wondermind.com/article/let-them-theory/
https://www.hercampus.com/school/mcmaster/shifting-your-mindset-the-let-them-theory/