When the sun begins to set before 9 PM, motivation exponentially decreases as well… Tell me why I’m snuggled in bed by 10 PM :/
When I first immigrated to Canada, at just 2 years old, my mom often recounts how excited I’d become seeing the trees change colours. When the familiar walking route I’d frequent with my grandfather began to show even the slightest hint that autumn was coming, my face would light up, reflecting the rich hues of orange, red, and yellow leaves on the trees. Autumn was always a time of excitement for me growing up… so what changed as I became older?
As I entered high school, mid-October began to feel heavier. The sun would barely say hello before saying goodbye, the trees that once bared their beautiful autumnal leaves became barren, and the air no longer enveloped you with warmth. Rather, it began to nip at your cheeks with coldness.
Entering university was no exception to the feelings I had about mid-October in high school. Only now, the heaviness was accompanied by the crushing workload of studying for midterm after midterm after midterm. I came to realize that I hated autumn.
I didn’t want to continue feeling this way when I knew, subconsciously, the uneasy, autumnal feeling served as a reminder that I’m growing up and time is passing by me, and I can’t quite get a good grip on it. The first two years of undergrad were especially hard, living away from home, not knowing how to manage my uneasy autumnal feelings. But by my third year, I knew something had to change. Feeling uneasy on a regular basis is not the norm, and entering my “big girl life,” suppressing how uneasy I felt, was not sustainable. How could I preach about the importance of taking care of yourself to my friends when I wasn’t taking care of myself in the first place?
I made some major lifestyle changes, namely that I embraced the feeling autumn brought, rather than running from it. My hypothesis, as a hardcore science girly, was that if I embraced autumn, maybe the uneasiness would transform into easiness. Kinda like exposure therapy, but for seasonal feelings!
I stuck to a strict sleep-wake routine so that I could make the most of my time with the fleeting sunshine. This completely transformed my motivation when the days began to get shorter. I also decided to do some autumn-themed crafts, specifically getting excited about decorating my room with autumn-themed things. The (fake) autumn leaf garland strung above my bed was like a baby mobile, and suddenly the barren trees outside my house didn’t seem so bad. Finally, I made it a point to learn a new autumn-themed recipe every two weeks. It started with soup recipes (to deal with the cold biting at my cheeks), and now I’m planning on baking an apple pie this weekend (from scratch! Crust and all!)
Learning to handle this wave of discomfort every season felt like practice for my “big girl life”; there will be days when I have to rely on my own comfort, and I have to get comfy with accepting (and practicing) just that. As a girly who thrives during the summertime (I mean, duh, my birthday is in August and I’m a Leo), I’ve come to realize that maybe the point of the seasons changing is to stop the “chase.” Maybe the point isn’t to chase an endless summer, but to trust that every autumn season has a lesson to teach me about resilience.
Shifting my outlook and changing my approach to that uneasy autumnal feeling completely changed the way I end the calendar year. Even though autumn used to feel like an ending, it’s become more of a rehearsal for change, showing that change doesn’t automatically mean a complete collapse.
The whimsy I found in autumn as a child has once again been reignited in me as an adult. Seeing the trees change colour 21 years later excites me the same way my mom recounts. The slightest hint that autumn approaching makes me want to relive the walks I’d have with my grandfather. The rich hues of orange, red, and yellow are what now provide the warmth that the air once did.
So, high school-aged Sonika, you’d be happy to know that we’ve learned that growing up isn’t about avoiding the hard seasons but learning to traverse them without losing yourself. I hope you’re proud of how we’ve grown. <3
