Dear Anxiety,
How are you old friend? Oh wait, just like your pal Depression over here, we talk every minute of every day. Why are you here? I wish I knew. When did we become “friends”? About seven years ago. Nice job, you’ve been around longer than Depression has. The only reason you exist is because I couldn’t breathe when I ran a mile in eighth grade. I’m not sure why that triggered you to come into my life, but it did and look where we are now. Just like your friend, you affect a lot of other people, too. We never did anything to deserve you, but here you are.
We are special friends. You are undiagnosed just like your best friend Depression. You both are my special friends because to others, you aren’t real. I’m “making you up in my head for attention.” We both know this isn’t true. You aren’t as present as Depression is as of late, but I know you are still there. Every now and then, you like to remind me that you are still here and that you aren’t going anywhere. For example, about a month and a half ago, you decided to pay me a little visit. But this time was different. When you normally visit, I usually just have trouble breathing and I rock back and forth. (Nothing too crazy, but extremely annoying.) This time though, you decided not to hold back. You went full attack on me. I was crying, shaking, rocking back and forth, scratching myself and clenching my fists. I haven’t done a lot of those when this happens before, and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I didn’t know what was happening and what triggered it at the time. I eventually figured it out, though, and have been working on it so you won’t be so mean to me anymore.
You and Depression are two of my closest friends. People would say I’m weird for wording it like that, but they just don’t understand the kind of relationship we have. You know what really makes me angry though? I could show signs of the both of you and people would never notice. I always have to put on this fake smile and laughter just to hide you, and it works so well that you guys go undetected. Why is it like that? Whenever I ask myself this question, you both tell me “It’s because they don’t care Krystal. No one likes you and we are the only ones here for you.” I usually believe this, and it fucks me up. I’ve been trying to get better about it, but you two always find a way to make shit worse.
I’m sorry your letter is a lot harsher than Depression’s, but you were here first, so you get to take the heat for all this. But, like Depression, I would like to thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t have that sense of reality and how the world isn’t so perfect. So thanks, I guess.
So, this is where I leave you. I would say see you later, but you are always here and never leave. I don’t want to get used to that, but let’s face it, I already have.
Sincerely, your old lifelong friend,
Krystal