Journaling, Therapy, and Finding Myself

I never had the best time in high school. I kept to myself and my friends majority of the time, and I didn’t get very involved in activities besides band and Spanish club. I didn’t know how to express myself or put myself out there by any means. In all honesty, I didn’t know who I was. Then I got into a relationship with a freshman in college while I was a senior. I don’t ever regret the relationship because I learned a lot from it that I wouldn’t have otherwise. But it was incredibly toxic, and I never wish for anyone to go through that kind of pain. After the relationship ended, I thought my life was over. I couldn’t handle being alone. 

I never saw anybody to work through it and instead I just pushed people away. After graduation and being in college for a couple months, I found a great guy and we had dated for over a year. But the issues from my previous relationship never healed and as unfair as it was to him, I carried those issues with me always. When our relationship ended, it felt like my world was turning upside down. I couldn’t breathe, I felt sick when I ate, it really broke me. So, I decided to go and give something a try… Therapy.

I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without going and letting myself actually process everything. I hated it for the first few sessions because why would anyone want to unload their problems to a stranger, right? But very quickly my therapist became my best friend. It takes a while to feel comfortable sharing EVERYTHING with a brand-new person. But once I began to open up and just let it all out, I can’t explain what happened. I started changing, becoming more self-aware, understood why I did certain things that I do, I learned how to logically handle situations, and so much more. I went in as Chloe and came out as Chloe 2.0. 

After I decided to end my sessions, I still needed a way to let things out of my own head. So, I started to keep a journal. I write in it when I need to talk but don’t actually want to. If you went through it today, you’d probably think I was a hot mess. But a journal is the one place you know you won’t be judged for what you say/write. Journaling is also one of the ways I’ve learned to process everything. Whatever I’m thinking spills onto the page and then later I’ll go back and read it and think about what happened, what could be different, how I can change it. All of this stemming from everything I learned from therapy. 

My point here is that if you are lost and need to find a way out of your own head, try either of these or both! I don’t know where I would be today without my amazing therapist and the journal I keep on my nightstand. It takes time to be ready and accepting of therapy with the social stigma that surrounds it. But there are so many people out there who have gone or are still going that would be more than willing to support you, myself included. Whatever you need to do to find yourself, do it. You won’t regret it.