Throughout the fifties and sixties in the United States of America, women carried the burden of housework and caring for children, while their husbands had some type of profession. In lower income households, the woman generally worked part-time or full-time, however this arrangement was looked down upon in American society for the idea of ‘keeping up with the Jones’. We now call families like that, where the father is employed full time and the mother raises their kids and runs their home a nuclear family. In modern day, where in over half of all two parent heterosexual American households that have children under 18, both parents are employed. Not only that, but the number of “traditional” families, where the father is employed and the mother has no income has dropped from 42% to 23% between 1975 and 2025. A common, current question for Millennials and Gen-Z has become: if both parents are employed full time, how are parents supposed to split childcare and house work?
If you’ve ever run to the store for something small and unspecific, and you wanted to ask your parents if the house needed anything, which parent would you text? Studies show that over seventy percent of all two parent households’ children would text their mother. This phenomenon is referred to as the mental load, which is the idea that women, often while working full time, not only cook, clean, and care for their children, but they organize, plan, and schedule things too. If you come from a two parent household where both parents were employed, think back on how common it was for your dad to schedule your dentist appointments, doctors appointments, etc. Was it just as common for him to take you to those appointments? Sports practices and games? Did he not only help your mom clean but keep track of what needed to be cleaned, or if you and your siblings were doing your homework and chores? While there are exceptions to this rule, it is very likely that most of you will say your mother did most, if not all of this work, in addition to being a full time employee.
This idea of the mental load shows all the ways in which the remnants of a nuclear family remain. All families want to reach the financial stability that was the goal of that time, and the only way to do it is for both parents to work, yet they still try to maintain nuclear family gender roles as well. This negatively affects a mother’s well-being, career, and general mental health. It could lead to burnout and budding resentment for her partner. None of these excess responsibilities a mother has disappears at the end of her work day, her work week, or even on vacation.
As I’m sure can be imagined, all of these responsibilities worsen during the holiday season. Part of the mental load is also gift giving, event planning, event tracking, scheduling, figuring out a menu for those events, and probably cooking for them too. Nevermind, her job doesn’t pause just because her home life has become more busy. However, there are some ways to counteract the mental load for both your mother, yourself, or your future spouse. First, if you’re old enough, begin scheduling your own appointments! Don’t continue asking your mom to do it, considering she probably has a hundred other things to remember and do. Next, offer to help her; suggest keeping a calendar on the fridge everyone is expected to add to, suggest a family conversation once a week, where you organize pickups and dropoffs if you have younger siblings, and times you will and won’t be available. Lastly, have a respectful conversation with your father. Ask him if he knows what the mental load is, and if not explain it to him. Hopefully, he’ll feel some sort of empathy or sympathy for his wife and try to split more tasks and keep track of more things. Even if he’s unreceptive, you can always find more ways to help your mom this holiday season!
There are also things women should look out for in finding a partner. Look for someone who is willing to help you clean, who likes to cook, or even who remembers the events you tell him you have, or that you both should go to. Find someone who will help you build a life instead of expecting you to build that life for them. If you’re a man looking for a partner, or you already have one, make sure to have that conversation with them, especially if you’re living together. If you find your partner is carrying the mental load, whether they’re male, female, or otherwise, always be willing to ask them what you can start doing to take some things off their plate or support them.