Our world is in a precarious position. On one hand, we are meaner than ever. In our culture of constantly moving, cyberbullying, and never taking a break, it can seem as if no one really cares about each other anymore. We’re too caught up in our phones to even notice the other people around us.
On the other hand, though, it can seem that our world is more focused on apologies than ever before. Especially for women, it can seem as if you have to apologize for literally everything you do. As a resident overthinker, anxious person, and Pisces, I know my way around the block of apologizing. It’s been a real problem for me, in fact. But the fact of the matter is, you don’t have to apologize for everything. You don’t have to be sorry for existing. In fact, sometimes those apologies that are meant to diffuse a bad situation can sometimes make it worse!
But where are you supposed to start? How do you know when to apologize if everything seems like your fault? Fear not. I have a little list that can help you get started.
- Is the thing you’re apologizing for under your control?
Oftentimes, the things that we chronic apologizers instinctively pull out a sorry for aren’t even under our control. A movie being bad, the wind causing our friend to be smacked on the ass by the door on the way out of Starbucks, and a particularly mean teacher. “But, Carolyn!” You say. “I should’ve been able to do something, or say something so that bad thing wouldn’t have happened.” I understand that, and I hear you, but I am here to tell you that your friend is not thinking about that. They don’t blame you for the movie being terrible. You literally couldn’t have caused the wind to go any other way than to smack them in the ass. You aren’t even in the class the teacher was mean in! All they ask is that you are there for them. You’re probably making them feel better just by being there.
On the other hand, if the situation was under your control, try to gauge your friend’s reaction to it. If it’s something as little as letting go of the door on accident and it accidentally hitting their ass, you probably don’t have to worry about it unless they’re having a bad day. If it’s something bigger, though, continue to see their reactions to things throughout the day to really get a feel for it.
- Are they upset with you/expecting an apology?
Speaking from experience, I often want to jump the gun on this one. I want to apologize so early that the person I’m apologizing to doesn’t even get the chance to be upset at me! But the fact of the matter is, apologies aren’t meant to be a bandaid on the situation. You should allow your friend/loved one/enemy to continue to feel their emotions and not expect an apology to suddenly make everything better. In fact, just saying sorry to give yourself some extra brownie points will make your apology seem even more disingenuous since you didn’t even mean it in the first place! And to the effect…
- Are you really sorry?
This seems like kind of a given, but you’d be surprised at how many people (myself included) continue to use that “bandaid” method when it comes to throwing out apologies. It has become so ingrained in our brains to apologize for everything that sometimes we’ll apologize for things that we aren’t even sorry for. But, if you want your friends to forgive you, I would advise you to say things that you mean. This applies to all situations, but I feel as if apologies have really lost their original intention of being a bearing of your soul to another person. You are not meant to make yourself a victim by apologizing. An apology isn’t armor, it’s an act of vulnerability knowing the person might not react well.
Apologies are powerful tools, which is why it’s important to use them in the correct way. Anxiety can cause us to over-apologize for everything, but it is important to remember that you are not a burden and you don’t have to be sorry for existing and taking up space.