I’ve had a really awful couple of months, the last few weeks in particular. If you are remotely close to me—or happened to wander through one of the six buildings I cried in the other day—you already know that.
Now, that’s pretty hard for me to admit. I’ve long prided myself on having “things figured out,” on “having my life together.” Even on the worst days, I refused to admit how I felt, often even to myself. I didn’t want to admit that I was nothing but chaos masked by a thin veneer of sanity.
So I pushed down my feelings. I didn’t tell anyone I was having mental health issues for years after they started, and didn’t properly ask for help for years after that. I was dedicated to keeping up appearances, to not being seen as “that girl” who can’t figure her shit out.
But guess what? I can’t figure my shit out.
I have no clue what the hell I’m going to do with my life. A couple months ago, I realized my planned career path wasn’t right for me, and that thin veil of confidence came crumbling down. I no longer had an answer to “What are you going to do after graduation?” And I didn’t handle it well.
But do you know what? It’s okay not to have it all figured out. I know how hard it is to hear that, and that it’s even more difficult to actually believe it. But you don’t need to have a confident, well-rehearsed description of the rest of your life. Heck, at this point you don’t even need to have plans for next summer. It’s okay not to know. No one knows, not really. Not even “real adults” who’ve been at the same job for 20 years.
But even more importantly, I want you to know that it’s okay not to be okay.
I spent years of my life trying to hide the fact that I was struggling. But that almost definitely made things worse. I kept pushing back my emotions and conflicts and issues, telling myself that I shouldn’t be having them.
That didn’t make all my problems go away. It just means I have to deal with it all now, in one miserable tidal wave rather than bit by unpleasant bit.
So now I’m going to give you some advice that I know is really hard to follow. But hear me out.
Be willing to admit that you aren’t okay. Know that your friends and your parents aren’t going to run away, aren’t going to stop loving you just because you have some issues. They’re going to try and help, even if they aren’t sure how.
It’s okay to take a step back and focus on you for a minute. Whether that means taking an evening or just an hour off from studying, or taking a bit longer to decompress and figure out what’s going on in your head, try and remember that you’re the most important thing. That, no matter what you may have convinced yourself, it’s okay to miss a reading here and there or not do so well on a test.
If you need to take time for you, take time for you. Just try to remember that.
Image Credit: Buzzfeed, Some Ecards, Relax and Succeed