Conventionally, people dream about summer flings, reconnecting with a high school flame, or meeting someone entirely new out of pure serendipity. After what felt like a rocky breakup at the time, following the spring semester of 2015 I was ready for just about anything else than singledom. Despite the culture of romantic comedies attempting to convince me that nothing is worse in this world for a woman than the single life, I decided – after one horribly failed rebound attempt – that men should take a backseat. It was time for me drive my own life.
I decided to take a chapter from one of the funniest Youtube videos my best friend had ever shown me, Dating Myself. It wasn’t a snap decision; I feared missing out on summer fun, double dates, and other opportunities and experiences my friends would encounter with their significant others. To be honest, I expected myself to be nothing but envious, lonely and miserable. In the back of my mind, however, a piece of me said the exact opposite. I wanted to be more independent, confident and in touch with myself. That same piece of me knew that learning how to be alone with myself, and to love myself, was the only way to grow.
Now, I didn’t turn into a hermit over the summer or run off to Walden Pond to construct a cabin and live in an isolated world of my own creation. My friends, job, family, writing, garden, health, passions, and even my dog became the focus of my day-to-day life. However, I made sure that my every action was focused on and originating in a place of love and growth for myself. This is not to say that I suddenly had hours of free time that were previously ruled by thoughts about guys or wedding bells. To be honest, I frequently flirted and interacted with guys that I could have easily gone on dates with, but despite being flattered (and sometimes very tempted) by their offers, I turned them down to stay focused on myself. What changed, however, was the way I perceived these thoughts. I took a more active approach in the way I internalized my interactions with potential romantic or sexual partners to figure out what was drawing me to them, what was I looking for.
And then… I gave it to myself.
I became my own significant other. I gave myself everything another could have given me. Too often, I had fallen into this idea that I was looking for “my other half,” but I am a whole person. Why did I need someone else to validate me? The truth was that I didn’t, but I’d been using the cultural trope as an excuse for my own low self-esteem.
Instead of trying to find confidence through romantic approval, I invested in myself. Over this summer, I practiced yoga and journaling, I was in a book club with myself and took myself out on dates, I enjoyed bubble baths, gardening, and embracing the vegan lifestyle, and completed a self-help program, The Resiliency Workbook: Bounce Back Stronger, Smarter & With Real Self-Esteem by Nan Henderson. Sometimes, I felt pathetic to be literally writing out ways to be less of a pushover, less fearful, less self conscious, less of perfectionist. That fact, the fact that I was terrified of admitting my need to complete the course, was exactly why I needed it. It was what convinced me to sit down at the desk with the glossy little booklet and its cheesy, contrived cover that attempted to look triumphant. All alone in my bedroom, hundreds of miles away from peers and friends, I was worried about the judgment I would get for trying to improve myself.
If that doesn’t encompass why I needed to take myself out to dinner and a movie on a Friday night – which yes, I did do (and it was the best date I’ve been on in a year, thanks for asking) – then nothing will.
Before long, I felt revitalized, stronger, lighter. Something on the inside was different. For the first time in my life, I felt like a woman. It is the most empowering sensation I’ve ever felt. My parents, friends from high school, boss, coworkers and tenth grade English teacher could all see the difference. When I came back to school, my friends commented on my newfound confidence as well as their pride in me.
Was it hard? Of course it was! I’m not going to say I didn’t cry, or sweat (from the yoga), or bleed (skinned knees and cut my shins on several runs in the fields with my dog), but that was part of what made the summer so empowering. I had to work physically, mentally and emotionally to learn how to be best self, regardless of the opinions of others. So often I feared rejection or disapproval form others, but more than that I was petrified of not being noticed or seen at all. Spending time with myself let me learn to not need expectations to rally against or struggle to achieve. I learned what it means to be at peace with one’s self.
It’s a lot more than just loving yourself. It is work. It is the active process of taking care of yourself (and sometimes others), learning how to have a life that satisfies itself instead of needing someone else to do it for you. Too often, our generation is told that satisfaction comes from financial security, achievement or success, and “true love.” We are told to look for the person who makes us our best selves, when we could take the time to learn how to make ourselves in that person.
Maybe it’s not our generation, but the women of our generation who have been told this. Regardless, take yourself out. Buy a fancy dinner! Go to the movies and share the popcorn with no one but yourself! Learn how to like alone time and to listen, learn and love yourself. You deserve it.