A tale as old as time: you meet a cute guy on Hinge, you go on a few dates and he checks all the boxes. Then, two weeks later, you’re sitting on the steps outside your apartment in abject horror as this boy you barely know is telling you he’s in love with you. Oh, just me? Okay.
I’ve come to know myself as someone who attracts the type that likes to move too fast. I seem to really bring out the crazy in people I go on a few dates with. Since my ill-fated foray into the dating app world about a year ago, I began to believe moving at light speed into a relationship was just the norm. I simply couldn’t figure out why.
Why are so many people so eager to rush into relationships? Why do the “I love you’s” come so fast these days? Why do we fast-forward through our Cinderella stories? Skipping all the running off at midnight, finding who fits the glass slipper and jumping straight to the wedding.
I eventually came to realize that the fast-tracked fairytale is not a normal romantic experience. Instant infatuation and immediate declarations of undying love are a red flag, not a romantic comedy. The truth is, that guy from Hinge didn’t love me; it was never about loving me. It was about hooking me in, making me feel important and solidifying his hold on me.
That may sound quite fatalistic, and it certainly isn’t true 100% of the time, but after that experience, I learned the term “love bombing.” If I had known that term sooner, I might have saved myself a lot of romantic turmoil. So, I think it’s important to share as much as I can about what I’ve learned through experience and research.
So, what exactly is love bombing? Let’s start with a quick definition: according to the Cleveland Clinic, love bombing is “a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them.” I want to note that love bombing is not a diagnostic term, though it is used by mental health professionals on occasion. Now that you know the definition, let’s move on to the most important part: what to watch out for.
The first (and arguably most prolific) sign is intense declarations of love very early on in a relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline cleverly refers to this as “Soulmate Status”. This is when that guy from Hinge tells you he’s in love with you. Or when that girl you met at work tells you she’s sure she’s going to marry you after a month of dating. Just me again? Okay, cool.
Anyways, speaking from experience, this may feel good in the moment, but intensely overwhelming once you’ve had time to think about it. This seems to be a very early sign of unhealthy behavior, and your partner may not recognize they’re doing it. If these doe-eyed declarations make you uncomfortable, talk to your partner about it.
Love bombing isn’t always a purposeful narcissistic behavior; in my experience, it can also be a byproduct of being young and stupid. Abby Zinman, national Her Campus writer, has a fantastic article on the difference between love bombing and the honeymoon phase.
That brings me to the next sign: not taking “no” for an answer. Dr. Tiani from Cleveland Clinic states, “If it feels like a boundary or many boundaries have been crossed, that’s a sign that your voice isn’t being heard and your opinion doesn’t matter in the relationship.” It’s one thing to be young, wearing rose-colored glasses; it is another to bulldoze through clearly set boundaries without a care in the world. If you are repeatedly telling your partner that you are uncomfortable with their behavior, and the behavior isn’t changing, that’s a red flag.
In my experience, someone who is using loving bombing as a control tactic will most likely automatically become defensive if you voice concern about their behavior. They may try to make you feel crazy for bringing it up at all. They may start saying things like “But I’m so good to you,” or “I can’t believe you would say that after everything I’ve done for you.” You do not owe anyone your affection, even if you are in a romantic relationship. You have every right to bring up your feelings and concerns with your partner. If they cannot receive it respectfully, that is a problem.
Sign number three is the catalyst for “after everything I’ve done for you.” Someone who is love bombing may shower you with over-the-top gifts. Gift giving can be a sweet and thoughtful way to show someone you care, but love bombing gifts are more than just flowers on the first date.
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline gives examples such as financing expenses like rent or car payments, vacations and expensive clothing or jewelry. These gifts may seem really fantastic at first, but they may eventually become conditional. “Well, I gave you this so…,” “I paid your rent this month so you can’t….” If gifts are accompanied by that type of language, it may be time to reflect on your relationship.
Those kinds of conditions lead to sign number four: your partner believes they have a right to all of your time. In the beginning, it may just seem like they want to spend a lot of time with you, which feels great. However, according to the Cleveland Clinic, “Over time, as your relationship builds, they may become more demanding by getting angry with you or jealous of other friends or family members.”
This may be when they begin to bring up their extravagant gifts in the form of ultimatums, as discussed previously. This is when love bombing starts to become excessively controlling. This person is likely trying to separate you from other important people in your life. Dr. Tiani from the Cleveland Clinic says, “They prefer you to spend time with them as opposed to other important people because they want to monopolize your time so that you rely solely on them.”
If you feel this is starting to happen to you, if you feel isolated and alone, try talking to other people in your life if you can. It may be helpful to use them as a sounding board and ask if they feel like they’re seeing a lot less of you since starting this relationship.
The bottom line is, if you feel overall uncomfortable and anxious about your relationship, it may be time to make a change. If you bring up your anxieties and concerns to your partner and they are not met with respect and understanding, it might be a sign that this isn’t a healthy relationship for you.
I encourage you to reach out to trusted confidants and a mental health professional if you think you are being love-bombed and don’t know how to get out. You know what is best for you, “I just don’t want that for myself anymore,” is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. I had my Hinge horror story so that hopefully, you don’t have to.
You can call The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.7233, text START to 88788, or chat live at www.hotline.org.
You can find mental health support at Kids, Teens, and Young Adults | National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).