I never wanted to be in a relationship. I didn’t think I was the type of person who could fully commit to someone, constantly predict and attend to someone else’s needs, enjoy holding hands, kissing and pet names and be thoughtful enough time-wise to be with someone else. However, I still wished to hit certain milestones that I saw others reaching. Through books, movies, social media, music and word of mouth, I felt like I was behind the curve in the world of love, relationships and sex.
Due to this pressure, I would sometimes lightly engage with men who tried to pursue me, even if I had no interest. I liked the attention, and I could say I engaged in this aforementioned world without having to really do so. This was my first step into the casual dating world: flirting with a stranger on a night out, the snapping, the saying yes to dates, then usually panicking and canceling because that was a step too close to dating for me.
This wasn’t the most satisfying or fulfilling method of human interaction, but it became a routine, and something very hard for me to accept was that it was unhealthy and something I had to break away from.
This past summer, I had an experience that forced me to reflect on the premise of what I was doing, and turned me away from the casual dating scene. I met this guy through a friend whom I had met maybe a couple of times before; I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was attracted to me, so I decided to bite and do what I always did. However, very early on, I could tell this guy wanted something a lot more serious.
So, again, I heavily contemplated leaving, but through stuff he said, and stuff his friends said to me, I was convinced that he was dependent on me to be happy, so I stayed in order to support and help him. Although he kept insisting he wasn’t in the right time of his life for a relationship and I kept insisting I did not want to be in one, what we developed into, from the outside, looked like a relationship.
However, there was no completely open communication, respect or empathy on either end. Since this was the closest I had ever come to a relationship, and I had been lied to again and again to keep me under the impression I was needed and I couldn’t leave, I tried my hardest to uphold the aforementioned list. What I had hoped would just be a summer fling, another experience to unlock personal milestones, turned into a relationship that only I was in.
I didn’t even feel allowed to be upset or mad, since we hadn’t established grounds for a relationship. We were for all intents and purposes, nothing.
I still remember one day he was moving his drum set from the living room to his bedroom, and when I offered to help, he told me all I had to do was “sit and look pretty.” It took me a while to realize it, but that one statement is the perfect synopsis of his feelings towards me.
I felt a little odd forcibly lying on his couch, rebuffed by him when I attempted to get up. I felt like a doll, or an item on a display case, and I felt like I had to be picture-perfect, pretty. A part of me liked the attention I was getting from him based on my looks. A part of me liked hearing that and felt loved, but a part of me felt like I was more than just looks. I wanted to share a moment with him, help him out, care for him, be in his life and assist him in it. Now, all of me realizes I value honesty, and the art of human rapport to engage in casual relationships.
Without the label of a relationship, I was not treated with the same value. My feelings didn’t have the same weight as a girlfriend’s. I guess you could say it was karma from years of me inciting casual relationships, but I had always been extremely honest and open with my “situationships,” and was too scared to even fully engage in a casual relationship. So I think this experience was more of a sign for me to not go down the path of casual dating because it is not a healthy path for me, nor a lot of people.
Human beings evolved not to just be at the whim of their primal urges and instincts. We evolved to have introspective thoughts, to develop emotional intelligence, emotional intimacy, to contemplate our lives and to contemplate decisions. To allow yourself to engage in lustful behavior with no emotional intimacy not only dehumanizes yourself, but also dehumanizes the other individual.
Obviously, not every relationship you form has to be intense, take complete dedication and be life-lasting. That being said, to put animalistic urges over bonding and connection shows a disconnect from oneself and what makes one human. Moreover, it robs both parties of the emotional intimacy imperative for human survival. One benefit of the COVID-19 pandemic is that more research is being done on the necessity of human interaction.
One study for the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health titled, “What Is Social Connection in the Context of Human Need: An Interdisciplinary Literature Review” explores this topic.
Humans evolved to have certain necessities for survival: “oxygen, water, food, shelter and [the recently discovered addition,] social connection.”
When I go to the beach, I only ever dip my toes in the ocean. Occasionally, I’ll swim out a little farther, and while I could keep going, I quickly realize how uncomfortable and frightening the experience is for me, so I come back to shore. While some people feel completely comfortable in the water, I prefer to stay on land, a natural state of occurrence.