As we all know, 2020 has been quite an insane year. At the start of the year I had made a promise to myself to finally make the changes in my life that I had been wanting to make for a long time. Finding genuine happiness is something I have always struggled with. While I would be happy with some aspects of my life like my friends and my family, I would also stand in front of the mirror and criticize every part of my body. I had this cycle of toxic thoughts and mentalities that made it impossible to ever truly love myself. I realized that I needed to completely get rid of those thoughts and start over. The negative relationship you have with yourself and your body can be a hard one to overcome but let me tell you that it is actually possible. It just takes a lot of time and persistence.
When school closed in March and we were all sent home, I made the choice to go spend the next few months in Charleston, South Carolina with him. I was so stuck in a rut and needed a change of scenery. Moving down there for the next five months was without a doubt the best decision I have ever made. I completely changed my habits, my way of thinking and finally fell in love with life again.
The first thing I did to find this sense of happiness was to stop caring what others thought of me. In a city where I only knew a couple of people, this was actually much easier than I thought. I have always been someone who is very self-conscious and thinks way too much about how others perceive me. However, the more I sat down and thought about it, most people are so caught up in what they are doing or worrying about their own insecurities that they aren’t even paying attention to what the stranger next to them in the gym is doing. This realization made me almost immediately stop caring what others thought. Of course, I still get insecure at times, it is human nature, but when I do, I remind myself that as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, then a stranger’s opinion of you doesn’t matter.
Finding this best version of myself took a lot more work than I thought it would. I spent a lot of time journaling and reflecting on myself and my character, the things I loved about myself and the things I didn’t like. It can be hard to critique yourself like that sometimes and I had to learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I made changes, and am continuing to make changes every day, in order to be a better person, friend, sister, daughter, etc.
“So, I have been thinking about this whole being happy thing, and I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination… We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy; we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry, it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness more often.”
This quote from the show One Tree Hill has been something I have carried with me for many years. I always thought that if I lost weight or got a boyfriend or had a successful career then I would be happy. I am now learning that I can be happy just where I am. Even on the days that I may not feel my best and slip back into those negative thoughts about myself, I remember that tomorrow is a new day. As humans we are always growing and changing and evolving. Each new day is an opportunity to be better than before.
All of this is not to say that I am by any means perfect. I am most definitely not. I still have so much growth to do, except now instead of pushing off or fearing that change, I am so excited for it. I look forward to waking up every day and continuing to grow into the person I am meant to be.