Picture this. You’re told that your ex or past situationship is going to the same party as you (yes, the one who pursued you first but ended up breaking your heart). You decide to “show them what they’re missing” by wearing something either tight or revealing, in the colours they said they liked on you. You do your makeup and hair. All for “revenge”. It’s a statement to tell them that you’re better off alone, but you wouldn’t be making this effort if you truly believed that. The time comes to see them and you’re hoping that they’ll realise that they made a mistake in letting you go. But they’re being flirty and touchy with someone else. They don’t care that you can see and that you’re getting increasingly distraught. Humiliated and devastated, you spend the rest of the night crying. You feel stupid and regret thinking that this was a good idea.
Everyone wants to have their Princess Diana “revenge dress” moment. On 29 June 1994, her then-husband, the now King Charles, had just publicly admitted his infidelity in their marriage that night on TV. The couple had been separated for nearly two years, but they weren’t divorced, and this was the first time that their dirty laundry was being truly aired to the world. Diana naturally wanted to create a distraction from Charles’ TV show. Stepping out of a car wearing a plunging, off-the-shoulder, black evening dress with an asymmetrical hem and a small slit, Diana created a piece of fashion history, later known as the “revenge dress” (or known to some in the industry as the “f**k-you dress”). Diana’s moment is the blueprint for an era of revenge dressing, with many celebs and ordinary people trying to follow in her footsteps. Nicole Kidman is one of the latest to debut a revenge dress, after her public split from Keith Urban. But as empowering as it can be, there are both pros and cons to doing this.
Dressing is always done with intent. On days where I may be tired or feeling under the weather, I wear clothes that I know I will be comfortable in. If I feel as though I don’t look my best, I may opt to put on something that I know I look good in. My intent in both of these scenarios is to make myself feel better, outwardly and inwardly. But that second situation differs wildly from the first. In the same way Diana wore her dress because she knew that it would make an impact and have people talking, I’ve definitely worn clothes for similar reasons. I’ve struggled to accept compliments for as long as I can remember, but I can’t deny how affirming it feels to have someone else believe that I look nice, especially when I have put effort into my looks. Even a comment as simple as my mother liking the way I’ve done my eyeshadow or my friend calling my dress pretty, I always feel honoured. Where we need to be more wary however is when we allow other people’s thoughts to define our looks.
Constructing your image to appeal to others is much more harmful than we are willing to admit. In the summer of 2024, I dyed my hair copper because one of my favourite celebrities had done the same. After a couple of weeks, I was left with a strange mix of blonde and brown that didn’t suit me whatsoever. But I kept it like that for the next two months because the boy that I liked at the time told me that he liked my hair lighter. Now every time I look at my student ID photo, I see a version of myself staring back that looks nothing like me, who was so desperate for validation from someone else. I’ve been dyeing my hair various shades of purple and red since then and I’ve fallen in love with it. It’s always difficult to part with the idea of someone, but the sooner you stop letting them define the way you look, the freer you will feel.
When we obsess over opinions, we run the risk of becoming needy. Insecurity hits in the worst moments and can be detrimental to both self-image and personal relationships. Everyone has made mistakes in the past because they have felt insecure. At some of my lowest points, I’ve become completely reliant on others, pushing them away as a result. Romantic relationships cannot guarantee permanence and it is very important to know who you are outside of them. If someone thinks you’re more beautiful in clothes that make you unhappy, then they’re not right for you. No amount of revenge dressing or targeted Instagram stories will change that if they’re focused on the superficial, and it’s a waste of your time and energy. Your loyal friends who like all of your stories will always be way more valuable than a former romantic prospect who you haven’t spoken to for months.
One of the best parts about not dressing for other people is all of the room you have to experiment with your look. Among all of this newfound freedom you could try a new hair colour or cut, a new makeup style, buy some clothes you’d never even considered wearing before. Getting out of your clothing comfort zone is hard, but it can also be rewarding, and you might find yourself enjoying these different versions of you, perhaps more than the person you were before.
No one likes moving on. It’s difficult, it’s painful and it’s sad. You may have some of your best memories with your ex, but that’s all they are. Memories, the past. There’s a reason why things ended and once you’re ready to accept it, you should try to be present. No more obsessing over story views, reposts or snapscores. No more revenge dressing. They don’t deserve it. Time to base your happiness on your own terms.