In a few weeks’ time I start my second year of university and so, like most people in my position, I keep thinking back to my first day and wonder how a year flew by so quickly. This time last year my mind was buzzing with excitement, imagining all the wonderful things instore for me in this new chapter of life. This past year has been such an incredible experience where I’ve learnt so much about, not only myself, but the people around me.
Coming to university after a gap year, I always imagined it being incredibly social and fun, where I would meet lots of people. I thought of it as a place where I would always be surrounded by friends. A place where I would find my ‘group’, like the one I had when I was in secondary school.
I was so excited about that because while I was on my gap year, all my friends had gone off to university and so naturally, we drifted apart. We’re still friends, but it’s difficult with all the distance between us. So, I saw university as a chance to finally have people that I could just call up and see whenever I wanted. I just wanted to be part of that social sphere again. And I was so excited about that.
I have always been one of those people that loved first days. Every first day of school after a break was something I looked forward to so much. The night before was always a sleepless one, the butterflies in my stomach would flutter all night long in anticipation for the next day. The night before the beginning of my first year was the same.
I had waited for this night for so long that my body refused to settle down even for a few hours of sleep. And it was everything I had hoped and dreamed of. Freshers week was amazing and I met so many wonderful people. But what people don’t talk about is what happens afterwards, when that initial excitement dies down and you’re brought back down to earth to the reality of lectures and seminars and exams. Once you’ve spent most of your energy putting yourself out there and trying to be as social as possible, it could leave you feeling drained. Some people call it a social battery, once that starts running low, you end up feeling exhausted and wanting to just get straight home after your classes.
And that’s something everyone is afraid of talking about. Everyone’s so afraid of not having fun and being left out of the ‘university experience’ that these feelings may start to make them feel isolated. During freshers week, everyone is trying to make friends because no one really knows each other. And one thing I remember everyone talking about and being stressed out about was losing the time to make friends, as if there was a limit, as if there was a certain point after which it was unacceptable and unlikely to make friends. And apparently this cutoff date was December. After December, I heard someone say something along the lines of ‘its January and you’re still trying this hard?’. There was an immense amount of pressure to ‘make the most of it’ while you could.
So, while university can come off as being a very social place, it can become very lonely and overwhelming. It can also make you feel like you’re the only person feeling this way. When you see other people going clubbing or to events with their friends, it can make you feel like you’ve been left behind and that you’re missing out on the amazing university experience you’re supposed to be having. You’re supposed to be having the time of your life, you’re supposed to find the friends, ‘your people’, that feel like family and that will stick with you for the rest of your life, you’re supposed to be okay.
But you’re not.
Why not?
What’s wrong with you?
These thoughts can make a person alienate themselves from their classmates, thinking they’re the rotten apple in the bunch. In reality, almost everyone that seems to be doing fine also feels the same way. I was shocked to find that every time I mentioned this to someone in my course, they always said ‘I feel the same!’ or ‘I thought I was the only one’. It wasn’t just one or two people, but nearly most people I spoke to. And they all had that same fear that, because it was past December and past freshers’ week (when you were meant to be making friends), they missed their chance and now can’t meet people. But of course, this wasn’t true. As Tony Lip (Green book) would say ‘the world is filled with lonely people afraid to make the first move’. Everyone was so afraid of making the first move that no one spoke to each other. I sometimes found it hard to speak to someone, not wanting to annoy them. But they’re probably thinking the same thing.
If I could give any advice to myself from a year ago, it would be this:
- Freshers’ week is exhausting and it’s okay to take a break.
- There is no time limit to making friends, you will meet wonderful people throughout the year.
- Don’t be afraid to approach someone you don’t know and talk to them; we all love that! Saves us from having to make the first move. Everyone is hoping someone will approach them.
- Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, enjoy the moment you’re in.
- If you’re not having a good time, don’t feel guilty! It’s completely natural to have low days, everyone has them. You are not alone in this.
- You are not missing out; you are not wasting your experience. Your experience is your own and not to be compared to anyone else’s.
- Don’t leave it to lecture capture, trust me on this. Attend the lecture, it saves time and is less mentally draining
This year at university taught me that loneliness isn’t something that only old or middle-aged people feel, it’s something that can consume everyone. It isn’t something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It’s a new place with so much going on and that can be very overwhelming at times. It can become easy to compare yourself and your experience to other people’s. But everyone grows at their own pace. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and it’s okay to need to take a step back and slow things down. Time isn’t running out. The world will always be there when you decide to step back in.