Friendships are one of the most important parts of life. Your friends are basically food for the soul — they lift you up when you’re down, lift you higher when you’re already up, and challenge you to be a better version of yourself. But what happens when a friend has stopped feeding you in the way they used to? What if you don’t know? How can you tell?
Outgrowing friendships is a normal part of life. Our lives are fluid and ever-changing; nothing in them is stagnant. So, it’s absolutely natural for your circle to change as well. A study from the University of Oxford found that people can only maintain a limited number of close relationships at once, meaning new friendships often come at the expense of older ones. I’ve experienced it in every transition period of my life. It hurts, but I know that it’s always needed.
It can be difficult to recognize when you’re outgrowing a person, especially when nothing feels obviously wrong. So, here are six signs that might help you make sense of a shift.
You feel drained after hanging out, not recharged
The best friendships are the ones where you don’t need a social battery to hang out. You can bounce things off each other and keep the high energy going, or just sit in silence and feel fulfilled all the same. I’ve noticed that the people I love to spend time around boost my mood no matter what state I’m in. On the other hand, I always leave conversations with people I’ve outgrown feeling mentally tired or slightly off. During conversations, it might feel like you’re “on” instead of relaxed. You might need alone time after seeing them, even if it wasn’t a long hangout.
Conversations feel surface-level or forced
When people are aligned with you at the current point in your life, it’s easy to talk to them about anything and everything. You can talk about your past, things you’re excited for, or even rehash the same stale drama again and again without getting bored. But there’s a big difference when it comes to people that you’ve outgrown. Conversations with them might not be as easy. In fact, you might avoid deeper topics because it feels pointless or awkward. You might repeat the same small talk in every interaction. There might be a lack of curiosity about what this person is up to, and you might not even want to share what’s going on in your own life.
You don’t feel fully like yourself anymore
This one is big because how you feel internally is the biggest indicator. Sometimes there’s no other way to explain the drift from another person than, “I don’t feel like me.” You might filter what you say more than you used to. You may feel slightly misunderstood or out of sync while you’re talking. That one is huge for me; in a lot of my old friendships, reaching the point of outgrowing them has come with people speaking to me in ways that fit my old self. In fact, you might even notice yourself acting like a past version of yourself when you’re together.
You’re not excited to share things with them first
They may have been your number one person to share your exciting news with at one point — every relationship update, good test grade, or career success. But now, you might find yourself sharing that news with somebody else or even keeping it in. Oftentimes, I’ve found myself hesitating to text people updates or eventually not even feeling the instinct to include them. This says a lot about emotional closeness.
You start prioritizing other people without thinking twice
This one kind of connects to my last point. I’ve had a lot of times in my life when someone who used to be my go-to person to hang out with ends up getting pushed to the back. This might look like wanting to make plans with others instead, even if the plans aren’t as convenient. You might cancel or reschedule plans with this person more often, but this time, it won’t feel like a big deal. Other friendships might energize you and bring you more fulfillment, which explains the shift. It’s more about where your energy naturally goes.
You’re holding onto history, not the current connection
Relationships go through changes all the time. Sometimes, people grow with you, or grow separately but still stay connected. When that doesn’t happen, and you start to grow apart, you may find yourself holding onto what you had. You think, “we’ve been friends for so long…” as a reason to stay close. But a connection that is based only on memories is a weak one. Here’s an easy way to frame it: If you met them today, would you click the same way?
Changes in relationships are simply a part of the beautiful life that we live. It isn’t easy to think of it that way; we often frame the ending of a super close friendship as something negative and heartbreaking…and honestly, it is. But at the same time, it doesn’t have to be dramatic or messy. It can also signify a new era in your life that you may be entering. Both things can be 100% true
And sometimes, outgrowing a friendship isn’t a sign that something went wrong; it’s just proof that you’re growing into someone new, and learning who actually grows with you.