It seems as if depression is a trend with teenagers today. On social media, it is “cool” or “hipster” to be sad and moody. However, I have experienced Major Depressive Disorder first hand. I was diagnosed five years ago and have been through my fair share of doctors and even therapists. I have hit rock bottom many times, and been in places where I thought it was impossible to get back up. Every day I am forced to look at the scars that remind me of those times, but it only serves as a reminder that I made it here today. Although it is tough to recount these memories and bring up the painful feelings, I want every person out there who is struggling with this to know that it is possible to overcome it. This is my journey hand-in-hand with depression.
I was a sophomore in high school and I had a boyfriend for the first time. I was dating a senior and I thought I was in love, just like many young girls do. Being a naive fifteen-year-old, the relationship was manipulative and had many red flags that I just did not notice. It started with me being too hard on myself, and blaming all the wrong things in life on myself. I started isolating myself away from friends and family and locking myself in my room all the time. I started eating less, talking less, and ultimately feeling less. When the toxic relationship ended, my trip downhill only quickened. This was when I got my first taste of how frightening depression could really be. I isolated myself completely now, I lost all of my friends and barely even had a relationship with my family. I lost over 25 pounds and became extremely unhealthy, allowing myself to stay in bed all day most days. Crying was a constant part of my day now, along with feelings of only numbness. I did not want to be around anything or do a single thing other than wallow in my sadness. I was content with being like this, because in my mind I taught myself to believe that I deserved this.
I let myself continue on like this for several months. I had grown accustomed to smiling in public, and was quick and constant to assure everyone that I was okay and doing well. By this point, I was completely lost in the darkness. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, and frankly I didn’t care if I saw another tomorrow. I had no lust to live any kind of life, and I simply wanted to disappear. I felt as if no one understood me, and that no one even wanted to try. I was alone in my misery, and some days I didn’t even know why I felt this way. It’s difficult to explain these feelings and why I felt this way, especially to someone who has never experienced it. Think of it somewhat like this: you are in a lake, the water beneath you is cold and dark, however you go underwater and stay there. The shore is near and you can swim to help, but you just stay there, feeling as if you cannot and do not want to move. The burning feeling in your chest is your body begging you to go up and take a breath, but you stay, taking pleasure in the fact that you are actually feeling something for the first time in a long time. Depression is like a rip tide, pulling you so far away to a point where it feels almost impossible to escape. This was the point I had reached. I turned to self-harm several times, trying to make myself feel something… anything. It was the lowest point in my life, and truly did not believe that I would live to see myself overcome it.
My mom started noticing the Band-Aids and how unhealthy I had become, and made me go see a counselor. I hated her for it and was so angry that she thought I needed a “therapist”, but it turned out that this saved me. I began opening up about my feelings and learned that many people felt this way, and that I actually was not alone. Depression is a voice in your head, constantly telling you that you are not enough. It eats away at your every fear and concern, driving you deeper than you ever thought possible. However, it is possible to overcome it. I used to laugh when people told me this, thinking if they only knew how bad it was. But here I am. I can finally say that I beat it and have found true happiness. It does not ever go away, but it fades the stronger you grow. Of course, I have bad days and it looms over me, but I will never let it take control of my life the way it once did. It was not easy, and it was a hell of a long journey, but I did it… and I promise that you can, too. Do not let your depression define you, and I beg you, do not let it take your life from you either.