I come from a family of very stubborn people. The family on my mother’s side all refuse to go to the doctor unless they can not fix the problem themselves. This is a terrible trait that I inherited. But for me, it is less physical problems and more mental that I refused to go to a doctor over.
I have had terrible experiences with therapists and psychologists in the past. All were appointed to me, either by my school or by the eating disorder clinic I went to. All of them made me feel small or just had the same talk with me over and over again.
The worst one was a family therapist who took my mom’s side on everything and said I was making things up for attention. That was the one that struck a nerve with me. After her, I never wanted to go talk to someone about my issues again.
For about five years I stuck to this plan, but then things began to deteriorate during college and my eating disorder worsened. I was in full panic mode every day and did not know how to handle it. I needed help, but I wanted it on my own terms.
So after a lot of pondering and stalling, I finally started searching for a therapist.
I knew first and foremost I wanted a male therapist. I find men much easier to talk to and all of my past issues with therapists were women. I also wanted to look for someone who did not focus on cognitive behavior as much because I have done all of that before. It felt as though I would never find the right person.
Then, out of the blue one day, I saw one that made me curious. He did telehealth, which meant I did not have to go to the office. He also focused on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. EMDR focuses on getting through PTSD and other psychological stresses.
I decided I would try this out. If I did not like him, I never had to see him again. I figured that might be the case.
Then my session came and it completely changed my perspective.
The therapist did not ask me the same questions I have heard in the past, nor did he tell me I was just acting for attention. He told me that I did have some problems in my past I needed to search for. He wanted me to write down lists of good and bad memories to find where I had gaps.
I did not know I had gaps until I made these lists. It showed me that I was repressing. It told us both I was suffering from PTSD and it was triggering my disorder. We just had to find out what I was repressing.
He became one of the first people I ever confided in about family issues and how strenuous it could be to be around certain people. He helped me to look inside myself more.
I have only had this therapist for three months and I already notice a difference in my point of view. When I say “sorry” for every little thing, I now take time and ask myself why I said it. Was it something I could control? Was it something I had to feel sorry about?
Despite my issues with therapy in the past, I have come to realize that it is not a bad thing to seek. It just takes a certain therapist to be of help. It is almost like looking for a partner- you have to be a little bit picky because not all of them are the same.
Even though I have yet to figure out all of my issues and triggers, I finally feel myself beginning to heal. Do not talk yourself out of therapy. Just keep searching.