I haven’t been keeping up to date with my blog and I wish I had legitimate reasoning, but in all sincerity it’s because I have been perpetually overwhelmed. The prospect of a job terrifies me. I am so unprepared for life on my own. I constantly feel alone, even in a crowded room. I have this cloud of darkness looming behind me, constantly threatening to cripple me. My medication numbs the pain and normalizes me. I feel like the best version of myself. I am happy again. But if I skip even a day, the obsessive thoughts start again.
“You are worthless. You are not good enough. You are not deserving of love. You are alone.” The walls close in, I can’t breathe, I am drowning. Feeling so dependent on medication leaves me feeling helpless. Knowing that my life will be a constant struggle for normalcy is daunting. The fact that it seems that no one could ever understand this struggle without feeling concern and pity is isolating. I am taking steps to not just maintain a positive exterior to appease others but to develop a positive interior for myself. My hope is that by being transparent in my struggle with depression and anxiety I will negate the stigma associated with mental disorders and, if nothing else, help someone else feel a little bit less alone.