The other day, I woke up to a text that said, “Are you in love or are you in trauma?” from my favorite holistic healer on Instagram who sends texts every day about healing and connecting to it. Her IG handle is @the.holistic.psychologist. This text relates to my life on every level because I have been facing the healing process of my trauma. It’s mainly why I try to focus on myself rather than bringing other people or things in my life that do not have my full undivided attention. I guess this is why I stay single and haven’t been in a relationship for a very long time. I have become abundantly aware of how much my trauma affects me and my relationships so I find it unfair to the other people if I bring this instability into their life. Or, I am attracted to people that represent my trauma, and that is where I try to find clarity in situations I haven’t processed. What I mean by that is I put myself in my traumatic situations over and over again trying to understand it with a different person or thing. I tend to be a giver to someone who only gives 20% in a 50/50 situation. This is why I think recognizing who you are, where you need work, and how you treat yourself is important for yourself. It’s the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and recognize your raw self. Your life is full of patterns and you have to decode them to be your optimal self. Just know there’s always a reason behind your decision. If you say you don’t know why you made a decision, you do know, you just don’t want to come the terms and accept it.
To me what comes to my head when I hear “Are you in love or you in trauma?” are these:
- Are you dating someone because you’re hurt?
- Are you dating someone who represents your trauma?
- Are you studying that major because of some type of obligation in your life?
- Are you in love with someone who maybe lives a life you want?
- Are you craving materialism?
- Is your identity crisis because you were a different person in your past life?
- Is your best friend really your best friend?
- Is your group of friends really your friends?
- Are you doing what you really want to do?
- Are your parents not supportive?
I don’t do a lot to recognize my trauma’s coping mechanisms, it’s actually not that hard. It just requires time.
1. Look at yourself in a mirror
Not kidding, but I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself who I am. To be honest, my identity crisis has been ongoing throughout college and I have not yet found a way out. There are times I want to cry cuz I know I am not okay. I think when you accept who you are then you can start evolving and elevate your mindset.
2. Ask yourself why you made a decision or acted on something the way you did
I constantly analyze why I make the decisions I do. Like most importantly, it’s the guys I choose to date. My relationships stem from my parents because I absolutely refuse to be like my parent’s marriage. I went through a lot during my parent’s divorce, and I’m still traumatized. I want to be respected by men, and truthfully, it’s hard to find a respectful man nowadays. I also find myself trying to find guys that are like the first guy I fell for in college– a piece of sh*t — so I constantly date other guys who are also POS which then I get hurt. It’s a constant pattern I am trying to fix.
So just ask yourself if you could avoid situations because you are still healing. Try to see all perspectives other than your first reactions. Act slowly, you are better off.
3. Delete social media
There are days where I will sit on Instagram and just scroll. Instagram makes me feel less, I don’t care if someone says that we can use social media in another way, but I can’t. I can’t fathom spending 30 minutes on it. I just feel like I am comparing myself whenever I am on it. Instagram today is much different from 2011. It’s a no for me.
That’s all I do. I just work on myself constantly. Be me, focus on me. I know I am progressing– I am going onto year 4 of it. It takes time and I also fall back in my process but I know I am human.