My grandma, one of the strongest women I have ever met, used to say, “Start off as you mean to go on”.
In relationships, once you allow something to become the norm, it becomes extremely difficult to change. In fact, when you are so immersed in a relationship and the emotion of it, it becomes almost impossible to take a step back and determine if the relationship is still serving you. And that’s why creating boundaries right at the start, and staying true to those boundaries, is so important.
Your boundaries should be specific to your needs, but to get you started, here is how I strive to set boundaries in my relationships:
1. Figure out what is important to you. Take time to reflect before entering a relationship (before all the crazy emotion hits!) on what is essential and what you will not allow in your relationship. Get to know yourself.
2. Establish your circle of control. You can only control your own actions, not your partner’s.
3. Put your oxygen mask on first. While you can support the other person, you must first consider your own well-being.
4. Take time to understand what barriers may stand in the way of your ability to stick to your boundaries and plan accordingly. For me, a big barrier to my ability to stay true to my boundaries is my tendency to self-blame and take responsibility for things that are not mine to take responsibility for. As a result, in some situations, I can find it difficult to fully assert my needs, and that is something I try to be aware of.
5. Be assertive and upfront about what you want. You are not rude for establishing your needs. One huge thing for me is to be given time apart from the relationship. For example, I don’t like texting all day, and that is something I vocalize right away in relationships.
6. Nip it in the bud. If something arises that breaches your boundaries, don’t let it become a precedent. Have a conversation right away to re-establish your needs.
7. Trust your gut feeling. Most of the time, if you pay enough attention, you can just feel when something doesn’t sit right with you.
8. Maintain your independence and keep aspects of your life separate. It is healthy to have your own things that are just yours and separate from the relationship. Someone can be your ‘go-to’ person, but you don’t have to share and do everything with them!
9. Don’t be afraid to give yourself space to re-evaluate what your boundaries are. Sometimes you need to take a step back in order to properly evaluate.