Do you ever think about what people tell you about yourself?Â
Presumably, you are the expert, but outside perspective is valuable.  I assume nobody WANTS to go around all day with lipstick on their teeth or an unzipped fly. Pointing that out—discreetly, mind you—is helpful to the other party. Everybody wins!
When it comes to discussing personality traits and quirks, though, the lines of propriety become harder to draw. So, yes, I know nobody comes from a malicious place when they tell me, “You apologize too much!” They mean well. I get it.Â
I’m just never sure what to do with that information.
Trust me: if I could flip a switch to make myself stop feeling personally responsible for everything negative (whether a mild inconvenience or the next Ice Age), I would. Where is this mythical switch? Does anybody have a map? If so, I’d really, really like directions out from this corner between “I’m So Anxious I’m Having Palpitations Trying to Order Coffee” Street and “Society Raises Women to Feel Guilty for Existing” Boulevard. It’s not fun real estate to own.
By no means do I wish to slam anyone who genuinely wants to see me improve. I actually really appreciate others’ conscientious efforts to make me feel safe! I write to address any other chronic over-apologizers out there: if that title resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. I want to share some tips that have helped me; I still have a long way to go, but even small progress is good progress.Â
To those of you who DON’T feel guilty 24/7: please teach me your ways. I also have some tips for interacting with those of us who apologize a lot.
Tired of Being Sorry?
–      Examine whether you actually have responsibility in the situation. It’s a tall order, but shifting your internal perspective can work wonders.
–      If saying “sorry” feels automatic, try replacing the phrase. I like “thank you,” but feel free to get creative.
–      Remind yourself that, like the stars and the squirrels (Gettysburg great), you have a right to exist. You have a right to take up space, and you have a right to have your voice heard.Â
–Â Â Â Â Â Â Patience.
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Friend to a Sorry Kid?
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–Â Â Â Â Â Â Reassure your friend that they don’t have to apologize unless they’ve actually done something wrong. You’re their friend for a reason, so they know you won’t invalidate their feelings.
–      Maybe don’t point out how frequently they apologize. More often than not, it doesn’t deescalate how your friend is feeling.
–Â Â Â Â Â Â If they go a long stretch without apologizing, quietly compliment them on it!Â
–Â Â Â Â Â Â Patience.
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Over-apology does not have to be your default. Getting out of that proverbial corner hasn’t been easy, and I won’t pretend I have nothing left to learn. I CAN promise that you don’t have to feel guilty about your existence, and I hope things get easier from here.