From about the age of six and into high school, I had crippling social anxiety, which manifested itself into severe nausea and a reduced appetite as a result. It was extremely difficult for me to do anything outside of an established routine, which was already so difficult for me to get accustomed to and actually perform. That meant that my typical school day was the maximum I could do, and that was even barely: the cafeteria triggered my social anxiety and I found it extremely difficult to eat in public, so I would often only be able to eat plain, odor-less food, or go home having eaten nothing.
Of course, this also meant that extracurriculars were out of the question for me. There were two reasons for this. First, the activity meets were unpredictable — in the sense that we would be doing different tasks each time, and the stress and anxiety for game days or recitals would literally consume my mental and physical strength for at least a week before it. Secondly, because it was difficult for me to eat in public, it was hard for me to nourish myself most days until the evening when I was in the presence of my family, so I would not even have the strength to play sports anyways.
Strength. What a touchy subject. I have always seen myself as weak, especially physically. I always knew that I could not nourish myself as much as I wanted to, I knew I was thinner and had less energy than my school-mates. The feeling of knowing I was weak, and worse, the thought that I could never be strong because of my uncontrollable anxiety.
This really hit when my friends became serious athletes in high school and I became aware that I could never have the fun or experiences that they could. I saw my body as an empty vessel, as useless. I was embarrassed when I would reveal I did not participate in extracurriculars, and ashamed when I could not lift something. I could barely even do one push-up, and I knew it was not normal for a 17 year old not to be able to do basic physical feats. As I became aware and self-conscious of my lack of strength, I became more frustrated at how my social anxiety was stopping me from exercising and building up my strength. I realized that this anxiety is what made me feeble and miss out on amazing opportunities growing up, and the worst feeling associated with it was that it was out of my control. I could not “get better” if I wanted to, my anxiety was too severe and simply out of my control.
Related: My Eating Disorder Doesn’t Control Me
Once I hit college, the anxiety slowly started to wear off somehow. I am not sure if I outgrew it, if my subconscious had some epiphany, or honestly, if my prayers were answered. I truly still do not know how the anxiety wore off, but I am so, so grateful it did.
Now that I have a strong appetite and am able to nourish myself wherever I am, my body is able to afford this newfound energy to working out. I am finally finding it a bit easier to lift five-pound dumbbells, and am looking forward to challenging myself with ten-pound ones. I am finally able to see some muscles, and know that I can finally be strong, to finally see my body do things other than shut down from the severe anxiety.
My body is no longer something that cannot serve me: I am able to shape it and coach it into something strong, something powerful, something that can lift heavy boxes or jog semi-long distances. It is slowly un-becoming the thing that made me sit out events and sports and activities. I am getting a say in what I want my body to do for me. I am not sure if I ever had my body. But I know that now, I can finally claim it for myself.