The phrase “let it go” always found a way to bother all the levels of comfort I have had with myself and with the world I live in. For some reason, those words always crept up my spine and shook my mind more than it should. Maybe it’s because of the dramatic Libra-Scorpio cusp in me that resents having no control, or maybe it’s the hyper-organized freak that I am sprawling out of control. Either way, I have had the hardest time with “letting go,” “loosening up,” or “going with the flow” because of the extreme anxiety I get with knowing that I have no control over my life.
I know, it seems so toxic and mentally overbearing to think of, but hear me out. It’s not about the negativity people bring into my life or the toxicity of relationships that gives me anxiety, but the idea of my future. I’m probably one of the few people who find comfort in planning tasks or events, organizing the heck out of my life, and planning for the future like it depends on everything. Planning and organizing my life puts serious comfort in my mind, body, and soul, not even kidding. In fact, planning to me is more than just Pinterest boards of wedding goals or bucket lists. It involves rationally researching on my choices, setting out realistic goals in mind, and working my ass off to reach them (because I believe I can). Honestly, the more that I read over this, the more I realize that I’m coming off as a psychopath. Jokes aside though, I’ve really had a problem with just going with it especially when it comes to my future.
Related: Letting Go of the Future: It’s Okay & It’s Necessary
Four months ago, I noticed a spike in my anxiety mainly over “letting go” because it came to the point that my life decisions had to involve my long-term relationship. My boyfriend and I have always had plans for our future whether it was as individuals or as a couple. Although our plans weren’t always set in stone, we were always determined to make it work out in any way possible, whether it is one of us moving closer to the other or respecting each other’s career path and meet halfway.
However, as two college students living 18,000 miles away from each other, the question of “when are we moving in together?” never fails to pop up. I pondered on this for days. Of course, I even researched the complexities of him moving to the United States, legalities and everything. “Oh! He could go to graduate school, come in as an international student, or apply for a working visa!!” All of these had pretty slim chances and unfortunately, this time, planning and organizing failed me. After straining myself out with the thought of maybe not moving in together for four years, my boyfriend told me something that seeped through my mind: “Maybe things aren’t going the way you want them to because things aren’t supposed to go the way you want them to.”
Weird enough, after a long rant about my struggle with letting go, I quickly realized that I’ve had this power struggle between trusting myself to let go and believing in what’s meant to be. It’s hard to accept things that don’t go my way and I decided to deal with that. Slowly, but surely I took the steps I needed to undergo in order to achieve a healthy life free from doubt, resentment, and limited anxiety as much as possible
Related: It’s Okay, Let Go
After three months of consciously taking these steps as a part of my lifestyle, I’ve slowly come to terms with my struggle. Although I still catch myself overthinking the possibilities of my future, I now tend to give myself the chance to feel those emotions and remind myself that I should embrace the present, do my best in everything I do, and trust in the process that is life and its many possibilities. What matters is that I’m happy, I’m healthy, and I’m free from strings that pull me down.