How my life has changed when I finally stood up for myself
I have had trouble with confrontation for as long as I can remember. I always tried to make accommodations for other people, and in order to avoid disagreement, or being viewed as heartless, I felt compelled to win over everyone. Every time I would say ‘yes’ when my body said ‘no’, and every time I could feel a piece of me being chipped away until there was hardly a fragment left. My sense of self-worth depended on others and how they saw me. That little part of me yearned for the ability to speak up and be myself, which was not what people wanted.
How to Stop Saying Yes and Start Saying No
Over the past five years, I have experienced many difficult choices, but it started when I made the choice to distance myself from someone I had known and cherished my whole life. I made the decision to leave the negativity and realized I needed to sacrifice the friendship for my well-being, even if it meant I had no one. Even though there was isolation that came from this decision, it gave me the opportunity to focus on myself, realize where I needed to focus my energy, and appreciate the spot I am in my life.
At the age of 18, I put myself out there to try and make new friends. It felt like I was in elementary school again, trying to meet new people. As I found a new group of friends, cracks started to appear quickly. Because my interests differed from those of the group, I could feel myself being distanced and excluded. Subtle comments reminded me that I did not quite fit and eventually I realized I was being valued for what I was providing them–free rides, favors, and overall convenience. My desire for friendship blinded me to the truth until the relationship with this friend group dissolved, like always, due to distance and lack of connection.
This pattern forced me to confront the reality of the situation. I was caught in an endless cycle of overextending myself for people who would not return the same. Determined for change, I embraced a new mindset. If others would not prioritize me, I would prioritize myself. Entering college with this new outlook, I lost many so-called ‘friends’, but I gained something that is far more valuable for myself, self-respect. I ended up with no one my second semester and realized that this was not the place for me mentally.
It’s OK (and Necessary) to Say No
In this realization, I decided to make a very big change in my life: transferring colleges. I chose to transfer to a school closer to home, avoid unnecessary distractions, and focus more on my education. However, there was still one struggle that remained: balancing work and school. Fearful of rejection and conflict from my employers, I continued saying ‘yes’ to every request. Whether that could be covering shifts, working long hours, or sacrificing sleep. The entirety of last semester I was balancing working 30+ early hours a week while taking a full academic course load and participating in extracurricular activities. On the outside, I was able to manage it all with a big smile on my face, but on the inside, my mental health was unraveling.
In recognizing this destruction, I decided to transfer to a new department at work. It has given me more beneficial hours and time for me to focus on my priorities. I have been able to put more time and effort into academics, HerCampus, Gamma Phi Beta, and most importantly, my well-being.
The Benefits of Saying “no”
Even then, the greatest challenge came when I finally said ‘no’ when my job attempted to schedule me in ways that were jeopardizing my progress in bettering myself. I refused their plan of action, and decided that it was best for me to remove myself from that environment. In that moment, I felt a relief off my chest and found the strength that I did not know I had in me.
Today, I can say with full confidence that I am the happiest I have been my whole life. I am finding the motivation to excel in my classes and accept opportunities for my future career. However, the most important realization is that I am honoring my own needs.
I have learned through these past experiences that saying ‘yes’ to everyone takes a toll on your body and mental state, and it is okay to make room for development and self-respect once reaching a limit. I no longer feel afraid of the word ‘no’ and I can put myself first. Because of this, I believe that I have found the strongest version of myself. I hope those that also struggle with this can find this as a way of showing it is okay to put yourself first. You are a priority, you are empowering, and you choose your path. No one else should decide for you.