Yeah, sure no problem! I can help you with that!
Ahhh I have lots of work to do… but I’m sure I can make it!
Of course I can cover for you! No worries at all!
For someone who worries a lot, I say ‘no worries’ much too frequently. And for someone who feels burnt out and overwhelmed quite easily, I say yes to things that I really should be saying no to – much too frequently.
‘Stop being a people pleaser Priya!’ – a comment made at most of my school parent’s evenings.
Like most women, at some point in our lives, we have probably been told to act ladylike. An expectation to be polite, agreeable and smile. I think I’ve embodied these expectations and I find that I place a lot of value on my integrity: trying to be a ‘good person’ – polite and kind.
I love being kind, I always try to be kind to everyone that I meet. Love makes the world go round!
But I have more often than not, found myself in situations where I have been too kind and my kindness has been taken advantage of, or I’ve said yes to too many things that I wish I had said no to.
Why do we say yes to things that we want to or should say no to?
I guess this is rooted in a fear of letting people down or upsetting people. Leading to putting other people first before ourselves – we can only do this for so long.
What if I told you, it’s okay to say no?
It does not make you a bad person, you are not horrible, selfish or unreliable. It’s okay.
I have to keep repeating these words to myself as a reminder that putting myself first is actually not just best for me, but for everyone. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Accepting this fact is the first step to stop saying yes to everything and start saying no.
So you’ve been a people pleaser your whole life, how do you even say no?!
So many things run through my mind when even considering saying no: What if I upset them? What if they won’t want to hang out with me again? What if they think I’m unreliable and I won’t be asked again?
‘What If’ thoughts are all hypothetical scenarios, curated by our anxious brains. Thanks, brain. We can never be sure what someone else is thinking, the only thing we have control over is our own actions and our own intentions.
Here are some phrases you can use if you find it hard to say no:
- It would be best for me to rest today, but thanks so much for the offer.
- I won’t be able to commit the time and energy needed for this project, someone else who can would be much better suited.
- I just don’t feel up to it tonight, but have a good one guys!
- I already have pre-made plans but will let you know when next works for me.
These are some of my go-to responses as they don’t give too much room for conjecture (not that there ever should be, no means no!)
If you feel like you can be more honest, or those above haven’t worked:
- I need to prioritise myself today, so I won’t be attending the meeting.
- No, I don’t like going out to that club (Ocean).
- I can’t help you with that as I have to put myself first.
- No, I don’t fancy another drink.
Admittedly, I am quite bad at saying no to things and over-extending myself until I am stressed out to oblivion. However, I keep these phrases with me and have started using them more frequently.
A therapist once told me, when you start changing, the good people will grow with you and the not-so-good will get left behind.
When you stop saying yes to things, putting boundaries in place, or putting yourself first, it means that you don’t fit the mould that people have placed you in and they can no longer say ‘Ah Priya will do this for me’. Change is scary but change is good, it is always worth it.
To conclude this article, I am going to share some words by Matt Haig from his book ‘The Comfort Book’.
‘Don’t say yes to things you wish you had the confidence to say no to’.
‘No is a good word. It keeps you sane. In an age of overload, no is really yes. It is yes to having the space you need to live.’