Your Energy Is Expensive is my space to unpack what it really means to protect your peace. Inspired by my own experiences with toxic people, environments, and poor mental health, this column explores how to honor your feelings, nurture healthy connections, and find joy in the small moments.
I’ll share lessons I’ve learned through these experiences. Along the way, I’ll recommend songs that helped me through hard days, hoping they might bring you comfort. At its core, this column is about valuing your energy, choosing where it goes, and creating space for the things that make you feel whole.
Empathy is a beautiful quality. Feeling everything — your feelings, your family’s feelings, your friends’ feelings, and the feelings of a stranger — is compelling.
It allows you to understand everyone and be there for them in times of need. However, this attribute can be a double-edged sword, as it’s often difficult to recognize when you need to pull back and care for yourself.
Taylor Swift’s “The Archer” helped me understand the emotional intensity and vulnerability that come with being an empath.
Lyrics like, “I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey,” reflect the dual nature of empathy, showing how we can be both givers and receivers, balancing kindness with self-protection.
The line, “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” mirrors the fear of abandonment and the longing for validation that often accompany setting boundaries. “I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost,” perfectly captures the restless anxiety of emotional overload.
Listening to her words helped me put the feelings I’d been carrying for years into tangible thoughts, and helped me realize I needed to make a change, as this phenomenon has caused me lots of anxiety in the past. I feared that if I put my own needs before others, I’d be viewed as selfish, cold, or even narcissistic.
Nevertheless, I knew I had to take the right steps toward personal growth. I didn’t know who I was without the validation from others. Here’s what helped me reclaim my energy, set boundaries, and embrace my empathy without burning out:
Step 1: Decide Who You Want To Be
If you’ve been living through others and aren’t sure of who you are without their validation, the first step is to decide what you want that to look like.
I decided that I still wanted to be known as a kind person, but I also wanted to be recognized for the work I put into my academics and extracurriculars.
If you feel lost, I suggest trying a new hobby, visiting a different coffee shop, or taking on an activity outside your comfort zone. You’ll be surprised how much you can learn about yourself when you try something that’s just for you.
Step 2: Learn to Sit With the Guilt
Once you start prioritizing yourself, guilt often follows. There may be a voice in your head telling you that what you’re doing is selfish, and that you should suck it up and help everyone, always.
You know that doesn’t work. It’ll be uncomfortable at first, but you have to get used to the guilty feeling in your chest. It definitely took me some getting used to.
Once you can live with it, it’ll actually allow you to fully show up for others. You won’t be stretched thin trying to take care of every possible need. Instead, you’ll be fulfilled and ready to help others. Over time, choosing yourself will feel less like a betrayal and more like a necessary act of self-respect.
Step 3: Track Your Energy
Once you’ve decided who you want to be and learned to sit with the guilt, the next step is noticing how your energy is spent. Pay attention to what drains you versus what uplifts you.
Try keeping a simple journal or mental check-in, and after each interaction or activity, ask yourself: Did this leave me energized or depleted? This will help you to recognize patterns and make intentional choices about where to spend your empathy and where to protect it.
Being an empath doesn’t mean you have to be everyone’s emotional sponge. It’s not a life sentence to exhaustion or constant anxiety. The same sensitivity that lets you feel the world so deeply can also become the compass that guides you back to yourself.
When you decide who you want to be, independent of applause, when you learn to sit with the discomfort of saying “no” or “not right now,” and when you start treating your energy like the finite, precious resource it is, something shifts. You stop pacing like a ghost in your own life. You stop waiting for permission to take up space. Instead, you meet the person you’ve been waiting for all along — someone kind, but whole.
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