The holidays have always been an interesting time for me. Growing up, I always felt that there was something magical about the holiday season, and every time December came near I would be full of excitement. Even as an adult, I’ve still managed to maintain that childlike joy during this time, because what is there not to love? From the cold weather, hot chocolate and winter fashion to the beautiful lights and decorations and all the Christmas festivities, it’s easily my favorite time of the year! Not to mention, it’s Sagittarius season, with my birthday falling exactly two weeks before Christmas. Yet, as much as I find this season to be absolutely enchanting, there’s also a part of me that can’t help finding this time of year to be the most challenging emotionally.
I’ve always been quite outspoken whenever it comes to my mental health. In college, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The National Institute of Mental Health describes BPD as “a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions.” The lack of emotional control for individuals with BPD may “increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.” Knowing the cause of where these feelings were stemming from was relieving, but only half the battle. It’s constantly a struggle to discern which emotions are reasonable and which are affected by BPD, and to check my reactions to my emotional urges. It majorly affects my daily life and the relationship I have with myself, as well as with the people closest to me.
The holidays in particular create a lot of stress for me and make managing my BPD that much harder due to the irregular changes in my routines, the pressures of gift-giving and the obligation of being a “joyful” person to be around. The last holiday season was an extremely difficult time for me. I couldn’t help but feel really lonely, even though I was surrounded by family and friends. I craved attention and wanted to feel wanted by those around me, yet when my loved ones tried to reach out to me, I was irritable and pushed them away. I didn’t want to spend any time with my family and felt as though my best friends didn’t like me anymore.
Those conflicting emotions caused a lot of inner turmoil and pushed me to spiral because I didn’t want to act the way I was, yet I felt helpless to my emotional reactions. I started to fall into a deep depressive state because I wished I could change and act differently, yet I didn’t know how to. I was painfully aware that I was only hurting myself and making my problems worse by pushing away those who were trying to help me. Knowing that I was the cause of my problems led me to become even more frustrated with myself, causing this negative feedback loop that kept running through my head until I found myself hitting rock bottom during a time when I wanted to be at my happiest.
I spent New Year’s Eve completely alone, and though I made that choice myself when my family wanted me at home, I felt being alone was the only option I truly had. I wanted to spare everyone else around me from the miserable person I perceived myself to be. But being alone hurt, and ultimately I wasn’t acting effectively because that’s not what I truly wanted. There have been many holiday seasons where I was in a similar predicament, and it’s always frustrating because that’s not the person I want to be, but for the longest, I didn’t know what I could do to change it.
The good thing is, once I started therapy, I realized that I wasn’t helpless and I can get better. Now that I know what my triggers are, I can avoid situations that will put me in a heightened emotional state if possible. I’ve also become a lot more self-aware of my emotional state, which was something I struggled with for a long time. I would feel this overwhelming sense of many having a lot of mixed feelings, yet I wasn’t sure of the exact emotions that I was experiencing or why.
Now, I’m able to take a step back and analyze my exact emotional state and do a chain analysis of how I got to that point, which makes problem-solving so much easier. I also understand now that it’s ok for me to need a break from my loved ones sometimes, and take time for myself, as well as separate my time at home between different people. This is something that has personally helped me get less irritable with others, and also take time to decompress and reflect so no pent-up anxiety is being unfairly directed toward the people I care about most. I also make as much time as possible to fit in therapy sessions around the holidays when I can. This way, if there is ever an event that feels too big for me to handle, I know that I can work through it with a professional who understands my situation.
The most important thing for me during the holidays, though, is open communication and self-acceptance. It makes it so much easier on everyone when my loved ones know what I’m going through, and I don’t have to deal with a lot of overwhelming emotions by myself. Through therapy and mental health advocacy, I have also learned to be more gracious and empathetic toward myself. I accept that it is ok for me to have negative emotions sometimes. It is ok for me to not be perfect. It is ok to need help. And as long as I trust in the people I care about, they will be there for me. And of course, accepting that progress is never linear. There are times when I’m doing really well, and others when I fall back and struggle, but I’m learning to accept myself through all the phases.
So with November coming to a close, I’m excited, yet a little anxious. I’m learning to accept all my emotions as they come during this season and coping ahead for the best, and the worst. And if you feel the same way, I hope my experience lets you know you’re not alone. And if you or someone you know is struggling, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a 24/7 resource for help.
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