New semester, new boy problems? Girl, stand up! Spring flings aren’t for the weak, but we must persevere and rise above them.
Women are so much more than the trendy outfit or perfectly curated Instagram story that might make their lab partner notice them (despite what social standards might like to say). Even so, you might not realize the extent to which boys can bring you discomfort until you fully unpack it yourself.
Trust me, I’ve struggled to break free from constantly thinking about myself through a boy’s brain. Not until women on my For You Page began to talk about this did I realize just how much I think about men. As a self-identifying feminist, this had to change.
With each new tactic I learn, I further unravel my world from man’s finger and become lighter than a feather. Once you get a taste of that sweet release from a male-concentrated perspective, every day will feel like Galentine’s Day!
What Does Decentering Men Mean?
My ears perked up when this term first hit my feed. Who knew this was an option? Decentering men entails women detaching their thoughts, decisions, and self-value from the betterment of men. Male-centered individuals constantly ridicule or alter themselves to appease the male gaze that surrounds them.
Have you ever held your tongue about a strong opinion to keep your crush happy? Have you archived a post because you think that if a boy saw it, he’d think you’re weird? If yes, then you’ve centered men before.
Don’t be ashamed, though; we’ve all been there, and what’s a young girl to do when this has long been ingrained in her?
Breaking Down My Thoughts
The way I started to value my true form was by investigating the roots of my self-deprecating thoughts.
Why did I change my outfit five times before getting out the door? Why didn’t I speak up in class? Why did I pitifully laugh after he made a joke? It’s like peeling back a blindfold; almost every alteration to my behavior was made in hopes of pleasing the boys around me.
My thought process has been under construction since then. Now, I determine I’m unsatisfied with something if it doesn’t truly align with who I am, or if I’m scared of falling out of the male gaze. Personally, there’s no point in changing my lifestyle if it’s only for the comfort of others, and not for myself.
Sitting in Discomfort
If you know me, I’m one to run from the guys who crush on me. I end up in this trap due to my fruitless efforts to make conversations less painful. This has been more of a recent occurrence when guys strike up a conversation with me, and I engage, enjoying their friendship. Things do, however, take a turn for the worse when they want to take things in a more romantic route, and every fiber of my being wants anything but that.
Unable to make this clear, I usually end up somewhere on a lackluster date in a boring conversation I can’t seem to find my way out of. Instead of letting this current carry me to the sea of shame, I’ve introduced the idea of letting things be awkward. I shouldn’t feel the need to trade my sense of self and tranquility to avoid hurting a man’s feelings.
If the point he makes was lame, I vocalize my disagreement. If he tries to get close to me, I get up and leave. It’s time I got used to deadpanning and debating with boys.
Not only does this save me from suffering in silence, but I no longer deal with the guilt of accidentally leading anyone on. Rejection is redirection, and I shouldn’t hold anyone back from their destined path.
Self-Tunnel Vision
The fastest way I get over a crush is by focusing on what will pay the bills. Putting all my attention on my academics, career goals, campus involvements, and non-romantic relationships is what keeps me fulfilled and busy.
Replacing self-deprecation with encouragement and confidence is key. By reminding myself of the talents and unique attributes I have, I can view myself in a positive light without the need for male validation. I like to think I’m gifted because of the work I put in, my individuality, and the support from my loved ones.
Even then, there are tons of pockets of personality I’ve yet to discover. Maybe I’m really good at volleyball. I haven’t tried making my own recipe yet. What if I’m the first person to discover a new species? I need to dedicate more time to figuring these out.
There’s no need for arguing who I am with anyone, especially someone I’ve idealized in a fake scenario before I go to bed. Staying in my lane with eyes glued ahead of me keeps me from off-roading in fear of competition or disappointment.
The Power of Girlhood
Nothing will ever compare to the pure dopamine rush you get from a hangout with your girls. You can try to get me flowers or compliment my hair, but it can’t top the ab workout I get from giggling with my friends.
Why should I bother myself with stepping down for a boy who might never understand me when I have my twins right next to me? The synergy I have with my best friend might be so strong that they’d call us witches, and no goblin could tear us apart.
I know my girls will always have my back, in my peaks and my valleys. Surrounded by like-minded peers, unafraid of vulnerability, and free of judgment is an environment in which I can fully prosper. Girlhood can fill my cup and recharge my battery; I don’t think any situationship can do all that.
Cherishing these well-established and irreplaceable connections I have with my girlfriends keeps me present and untroubled, and that’s really all I need.
Centering Myself
Now, I’m still a work in progress. It’ll take quite some time to undo all the doings of the patriarchal standards deeply embedded in me. What I can say for sure, though, is that I’ve found deep love in finding things besides Hinge notifications that give me a boost of boldness.
I’m more than the dynamic I have with the male population. I’m a writer, a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a first-generation student, an aspiring comic, and one of the many women who wish to make a difference in this world.
I’ll reclaim my life to be my own, free of socially constructed restraints, day by day.
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