You’re sitting at a bar with people you used to spend almost every weekend with. It’s been a while since you’ve all been together, but somehow, the conversation picks up right where it left off. Someone mentions something stupid you all did years ago. Before you know it, everyone is talking over each other, arguing about what happened and laughing before anyone can get a word out and finish the story.
For a moment, you almost forget how much has changed since the last time you were all together. You catch yourself slipping back into the girl who lived all those memories. And for that small microsecond, you miss your old self.
A step backward?
What does this mean? How can you miss a version of yourself you worked so hard to grow out of? The girl who second-guessed everything, who stayed in situations longer than she should have, and never put herself first. You remember how badly she needed things to change. You remember promising yourself, your family, and your friends that one day, they would.
The minute you catch yourself missing her, no matter how short it was, it can begin to feel like you’re betraying the person you have become, as all the growth you spent so long yearning for has gone away. It’s in these moments that you must remember the truth: that missing your old self doesn’t have to mean you want to go back to a life where she existed. It can just mean there were parts of her, beyond the negative, worth loving, too.
Changing & Remembering
When talking about growth, it can feel like we are describing a badge we have earned, a medal that shouts “after all these years, she has finally matured!”
The focus immediately goes on everything we have left behind. We talk about the habits we broke, the relationships we outgrew, and the moments that helped us recognize what we truly deserved. The more time passes, the more it can start to feel like the person we used to be is someone we should be embarrassed by.
But what we often forget is that that old version of ourselves isn’t just a girl who made a million mistakes. She was also the girl who made memories with the people she now shockingly finds herself talking to again. She created silly nicknames and inside jokes. Most importantly, she found the strength to get through things most would never imagine.
It makes sense you miss her sometimes.
There is something strange about returning to the place where everyone knew an earlier version of you. No, I’m not talking about a physical place that you walk into. You might be in an entirely different location, standing across from people who knew you before you became this new and improved version, before the heartbreak, before the tears, and before you had to make decisions you never imagined making. They remember the person you were then, and being around them can make it easy to remember and mourn her, too.
It can also make you feel you are becoming that old you again, even if only for the night. Maybe you fall back into your old role in the group or find yourself caring about something you thought no longer mattered. The next morning, you replay every conversation in your head, rewatch the videos, and look at the photos, wondering why you still feel so comfortable in a life you thought you had moved on from.
But feeling familiar doesn’t mean you have lost your progress.
Looking Back While Moving Forward
The difference between who you were then and who you are now does not have to be something tangible, like a new haircut or an insane weight loss. It does not even have to be something everyone at the table would notice. Maybe you still laugh at the same jokes, tell the same stories, and occasionally care about things you swore you were done caring about. Now, when the night ends, you know where you stand. You can go home, look at the pictures, and appreciate the memories without wishing you could live them all over again.
You are allowed to miss the way life felt during a certain episode, even if that season was complicated. You can remember the good without forgetting the reasons you needed change. You can love the people who were part of your life then and still recognize they cannot play the same part in your life as they once did.
I have come to realize we are often harder on ourselves than we would ever be on anyone else, and all that is more critical is the person we used to be. We look back and wonder why she did not know better, why she cared so much, why she let certain things affect her. She was learning with whatever she knew at the time. She was becoming the person who would eventually understand those things more clearly.
Hopefully, the next time you find yourself at that table, laughing at the same jokes with the same people, you won’t feel guilty about missing her. Even if you would never choose to live her life again, you can admit that some parts of it were beautiful. Instead of looking back at that girl with embarrassment, you can finally give her some credit for the person you’ve become.
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