Going into my third year at university, I have become no stranger to an array of sexual mishaps, mistakes, and miscommunications that seem to be a rite of passage amongst new students. I have heard from friends and fellow coursemates of the embarrassment they feel while reflecting on how they approached new sexual situations as a first-year. Although I feel strongly about the productive merit of developing life skills through experimental curiosity and learning from mistakes, I do believe there are certain harm-reducing facts that everybody deserves to know. Here are my tips I strongly urge every student to consider.
Disclaimer: the majority of these tips can be helpful for all genders; however, many are specific to female bodies, such as talk of certain contraception.
Take advantage of free sexual health services
Sexual health necessities can be expensive if bought privately, so I encourage you to take advantage of all university and local schemes have to offer. Freetest.me is a website that provides you with free STI home delivery kits, and directs you to local free condom service and screening clinics. For example, Doink is a free condom service in Devon that provides condoms, lube, and dams that you can either collect or have sent to your house. Simply input the required information, such as age and postcode; it is confidential and discreet. Most universities also provide free condoms.
It is also incredibly useful to locate your local walk-in centre for purposes such as free emergency contraception. In Exeter, the NHS centre can be found on Sidwell Street, bordering Exeter Craft Hub and Savers. You do not need to book if the morning-after pill is needed; simply turn up and expect to wait briefly for an appointment. They will also ask you if you need any condoms or dams to take home with you, and can talk you through birth control options. Many drugstores can also provide this for free, but you will need a consultation beforehand. No appointment is needed if you buy it, and it can be delivered the next day (but it makes more sense to get it for free!).
Finally, sign up for a GP while at university. If you study in Exeter, the Student Health Centre is located by Reed Hall on campus. If you have a problem that needs seeing on the day, get in the phone queue at 08.30 and you should hopefully be allocated an appointment. If you study elsewhere, a quick Google search can tell you where yours is.
Focus on your pleasure, not your body
Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable, pleasurable celebration of sexuality and connection between you and your partner/s. If you spend the entire time worrying about how you are being perceived and what you look like, you will alter the experience for everyone involved, often negatively. Feeling insecure about the way you look detracts from the beautiful experience of intimacy and the physical feeling of chasing that high. It may sound obvious, but if somebody’s having sex with you, they are most likely attracted to you already without the need for tucking in your stomach or adjusting your hair against the pillow. I promise, unless you attempt to release yourself from this self-subjectification, there is so much untapped potential for sexual experience that gets thrown down the drain. Once you start to prioritise your own pleasure, sex becomes unleashed from the chains of performativity, and you can explore your desires and seek pleasure in a more empowered way.
bring protection on nights out
The frantic spontaneity of hookups on a night out is completely understandable, and naturally, sometimes, one is thrust into a situation where you’re about to have sex and you realise you don’t have protection. A simple, in-the-moment ‘fuck it’ can seem like the perfect decision at the time, only to result in tomorrow’s anxiety over sexual health concerns and the possibility of pregnancy (Reminder: the pull-out method has a failure rate of 20-22% in preventing pregnancies! That’s over 1 in 5, people). That’s why I would always recommend carrying condoms in your bag if you’re going out, even if you’re not planning on hooking up. If they end up unused, the worst-case scenario is that they make your bag a single gram heavier. However, maybe keep them in a zipped pocket to avoid them falling out, say, in the middle of a cinema before the lights have gone down (I may or may not be speaking from experience).
don’t be pressured into not wearing a condom
Unfortunately, it seems to be a common experience among people I know that these dreaded phrases are heard:
‘Condoms don’t fit me!’
‘But it won’t feel as good…’
‘I can only cum without one.’
Regardless of the validity of these claims, it is unacceptable to weaponize them in order to convince somebody to have sex without a condom against their preferences. Wanting to use condoms or other forms of contraception is one of the conditions involved in the process of consent, so even if one has consented to a sexual act, being uncomfortable with not wearing a condom revokes that consent. If you ever hear phrases such as these to wear down your insistence on wanting protection, know that you do not have to go through with having sex with a person who does not respect your boundaries. I understand that it can be an incredibly tricky social situation to navigate if, right before you’re about to have sex, there’s a discrepancy between your and your partner’s wants regarding contraceptive practices. You may feel like you’re being difficult, and it can seem scary to advocate for yourself in this way. However, it is completely justified to stop, communicate your boundary, and, if your partner refuses to accept it, walk away. I promise you, no act of sex with someone will be worth the disrespect that it took for them to ignore your wish to use a condom.
Tell your friends if you go home with someone
If you’re out clubbing and you decide to go back to someone’s place, make sure your friends know where you’re going, who you’re going with, and how you’re feeling. It is always safer to let people know where you will be – I suggest sharing your location through an app like Snapchat or Life360. Additionally, your friends can make sure it seems like a relatively safe situation and can help you out if the decision doesn’t feel quite right. It’s also a good idea from a friendship perspective; Irish goodbying and disappearing from the club can cause alarm and possibly leave your friends alone and wondering where you’ve got to.
alcohol and sex aren’t codependent
Think about the sexual experiences you’ve had before, if that applies. How many of those have you relied upon alcohol to calm your nerves? This may not always be the most helpful way to experience sex if it means you’re relying on having ‘less inhibitions’ due to being drunk, which may correlate with feelings of shame or uncertainty. I’d advise you to make sure you are comfortable with having sex without using alcohol as a crutch, as this can ensure a healthier relationship to sex and your body. It also increases the ability to feel the sensations of pleasure, as alcohol can numb the senses and reduce the ability to orgasm. Drunk sex can be fun, but it should be a want, not a need.
You don’t need to have sex in university!
Despite this article attempting to destigmatise conversations around sex for young people, I am in no way saying that everyone desires, and/or is having, sex at university. It is completely normal for you not to have any desires for such experiences at this time, and you shouldn’t compare yourself to others’ journeys as everyone’s relationship to sex and intimacy is incredibly personal and subjective. University is absolutely not the be-all and end-all for sexual experiences and comfort levels will always trump age for when you ‘should’ be having sex. Additionally, body count is not a thing that anybody cares about once you become an adult, and anyone who judges you for whatever your history and experience is is not worth the trouble. Trust in whatever you feel is right and fuck the rest.