I wish I could go back and have a chat with my teenage self. It really saddens me to remember how critical she was of herself, and how uncomfortable she was in her own skin. I’ve come a long way since then but it hasn’t been easy, and I’m definitely not there yet.
I know I am not alone in being dissatisfied with myself. An alarming percentage of teenage girls are unhappy with their appearance and a recent report by Dove found that only 20% of British women like the way they look, putting us second lowest out of the 13 countries involved. Many women agreed that social media has put us under more pressure than ever before.
The sadness I feel looking back is two-fold – not only was I hard on myself, but my focus on my appearance made me ignore all the qualities I should have been proud of. Yes I had bad skin and greasy hair, but so did most of my friends because we were going through puberty. I wasn’t skinny (but my friends were, which made it harder) and I hated my legs to the point where I would wear jeans even on the hottest days of summer. I was clever and kind and honest and a loyal friend, but those things didn’t seem to matter so much when I was preoccupied by my big nose, short legs and wobbly middle. Looking through photos now, I didn’t look half as bad as I thought I did but I can still remember how I saw myself at the time, and those two images together demonstrate to me how warped our views can be of ourselves.
You know that scene in Mean Girls where they’re picking out their flaws in Regina’s mirror? It’s actually pretty accurate. I went to an all-girl school which I loved, but we did tend to wind each other up into a spiral of self-criticism. You would put forward a flaw of yours, your friends would argue and you would refuse to listen. Yet when one of my friends suggested there was something wrong with herself I would be horrified and try and persuade her otherwise, only for her to (unsurprisingly) argue back. I’m all for being kind to other people – I think the world needs it badly – but why are we often so much better at being kind to others than to ourselves? And why, having tried to explain to our friends that we genuinely think they are beautiful, do we not believe it from them about us?
My steps towards liking my body didn’t really start until I was 18 when I took up running. I had hated sports at school but was sick of being unfit and wanted something to help me with A-level stress. On my first ‘run’, I could only jog for 40 seconds before I felt sick and had to stop. Nevertheless, I took a photo of myself that evening so I’d be able to see my progress in a few months. For a while – and I have no idea why – I was fixated on getting down to 10 stone. I am nearly 5’10” and my mum describes me as ‘sturdy’, but I picked that number and made myself miserable every time the scales told me I weighed more. I ran and ran until I could actually run a mile, and then my mile times starting going down. I felt calmer and stronger, but I was still looking forward to my goal weight.
Over the last 3 years, I have seen an immense amount of progress, but not really in photos or on the scales. Honestly, one of the kindest things I ever did for myself was to stop caring about the numbers. I am the heaviest I have ever been (11st3, not ashamed) but I have never felt better. I look a little bit slimmer and more ‘athletic’ now but it’s what I’ve achieved that I’m most pleased with. I ‘ran’ the Race for Life 5k for the first time in 2013 in 35 minutes and hated it. The other week I did a Park Run with my dad and beat my personal best with a 27:44 5k. I go to gym classes without getting embarrassed even when other people are using heavier weights than me. I’ve been rowing since I started uni and I’ve just taken up fencing. I don’t have a six pack and my thighs still wobble because I’m a human, but I am proud of my body; it is strong and healthy, it is enabling me to do so many new fun things, and I now know I can push it without it breaking. I see my wobbly bits as reserves in case I ever get stuck in a lift for a long time. We’re teammates, my body and me, not enemies. We’re stuck with each other so we might as well help each other be the best we can.
It took a lot of time, a fair bit of growing up, and realising that sport could be fun and not just a means to an end, but I’m happier with my body. Being at peace with my body means that I can get on with other aspects of my life because I’m not worrying what other people think or what my arms look like from a certain angle. I have had to teach myself not to compare myself to women on Instagram or criticise other women to make myself feel better, to buy clothes because I like them not because they are in fashion, and to feed myself well. I have learned not to hate my stretch marks because they have no impact on me or my life. I wear dresses and dungarees and playsuits now because comfort is one of my top priorities in life and they’re damn cute. I still have days where I contemplate buying a lottery ticket so maybe I can get a nose job and a personal trainer, and I still get the feeling of mild dread on seeing I’ve been tagged in photos, but I am a world away from the self-conscious 15 year old I used to be. I wish she knew how strong she was going to become.
To anyone worried about their body: no, you are not perfect. None of us are. But you are alive and you are amazing and you should be your own best friend, not your worst critic. Do what you need to do to feel good: get a new haircut, laugh until you feel sick, run until you’re red and sweating, go to yoga until you can touch your toes, buy some new underwear, accomplish the thing you always wanted to but were too scared to try. Lose weight if that’s what you want to do, not because of anyone else. Life is short and full of obstacles and the one person who will always be there with you is yourself, so be kind. Be patient, and remember that things fluctuate – some days I can nearly see abs, other days I get the most epic food babies. Be kind to others but never neglect yourself. You are important and you can do great things, no matter what shape you are.
Fancy trying out something new? Check out the FXYouCan week programme here, and challenge yourself to try out an activity you’ve never done before.