There are many ways to characterize social anxiety. I have been all too familiar with the excessive stuttering, heart-pounding, and nail-biting features that accompany it. It lurks beneath the surface and emerges when public speaking or even the simplest of interactions. In other words, it is as if the air is full of thick smoke, choking my words. It mimics the sensation of having lost my voice, and as if I could no longer breathe.
There are so many ways to describe it, but it is difficult to even though it impacts a vast amount of people. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 12.1 percent of U.S. adults endure a form of social anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. The anxiety disorder encompasses irrational worries about being judged or offending someone due to heightened self-consciousness.
I soon realized that the symptoms above reflected my own around the beginning of high school, specifically when the feelings that once seemed to be merely self-consciousness exceeded what is universally deemed healthy.
Overthinking and turning over every conversation was a daily ritual. I could never articulate my speech to reflect my inner thoughts. As the fumbled words escaped my lips, in vain, I tried to retrieve them. When I would talk, it felt as if I were saying the wrong thing. Essentially, at the forefront of my mind was how people would perceive me.
This was especially literal as my routine revolved around the avoidance of speaking to others. I became crippled in the aspect of life that is indispensable to happiness, which is a human connection. In high school, social anxiety hindered not only social experiences but educational as well. I missed several days of school, fled countless intimidating events, and found myself incapable of participating in school beyond the academics.
Though I was not always this way. In fact, I was quite a sociable child who had no care about image or what anyone thought. The change in this care-free attitude can be traced to when I moved out of the state in middle school. The vibrant child I was shriveled into a nervous, tense teenager who did not know how to manage it. Engaging in conversation, which was once so natural, incited dread and an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Oftentimes, the disorder develops under unique circumstances that provoke a tense atmosphere. For many, it is a repercussion associated with a traumatic social experience. After moving, my peers at my new school critiqued me for everything ranging from my looks to my voice. I would say that my anxious tendencies transpired out of it, but that is just based on looking in retrospect as to how I changed throughout my child and teen years.
I recall the moment in middle school when I was assigned a speech. Within the minutes leading up to it, I desperately wanted to escape the classroom. And when I finally stood up there with notecards in quivering, clammy palms, my voice halted. There were my classmates, waiting for me to speak, but I could not bring myself to recite the speech in which I had practiced countless times before. I forgot who I was, and what I was supposed to be lecturing about. And when I recollected my thoughts after the long pause, my voice was squeaky and my mind raced with the thoughts of how idiotic I appeared.
Later on, I sought therapy but never used the medications that promised a cure to my nervousness. The mind-altering drugs were tempting, as they seemed like an easy route to end the draining effect of my jitters and shaky voice.
However, I found a sense of solace within the written word. I discovered a way of concentrating my thoughts onto paper, whilst I could not communicate them verbally. It felt relieving to pour my ideas into the sanctuary of a bound, blank book. Journaling of any kind is a great way to sort through these incessant feelings and better grasp them.
Other than writing, a way of distracting from anxious thoughts is to channel nervous energy into creative passions. Whether that be drawing, filming, reading, photography, painting, dancing, etc… The beauty of it is that doing something that you love has a calming effect. When I get lost in a favorite novel or focus on perfecting the lines of a sketch, it not only cultivates a sense of purpose but serenity in anxiety-inducing situations.
Even though journaling is a feasible coping mechanism, it took much more for me to scale past the peak of my fears of socializing, crowds, and speaking to a group. Realizing that the potential judgments that I imagined and feared were merely a reflection of what I felt about myself. Or rather, they were my own critical thoughts. To break free from the mental prison means releasing the past and separating these persistent thoughts from reality.
I must admit that social anxiety is not something that cannot be eliminated overnight, for it takes perpetual strides in adapting positive thinking. In my experience, it took years to accomplish such a feat. It was not simply the sudden moment of realization, but a gradual evolution due to slow exposure to the fear.
Throughout high school, I evaded involvement in school activities. During my senior year, I felt the deep inclination to express myself and push my self-made limits. I joined the yearbook, school newspaper, and the female empowerment club. The sheer notion of putting myself out there like that, and bringing down the wall I constructed around me was terrifying. However, the feeling of having significant meaning and being a part of something was the primary motivator.
With exposure, patience, and change of outlook, I have begun to improve maintaining conversations with certainty and speaking publicly without stumbling over my words. The familiar pang of nervousness before entering a social situation emerges. Either way, practicing these endeavors have assisted me in overcoming my social anxiety.